Jack’s Sack: Holes of Glory
Good day, and welcome yet again to Jack’s Sack. Miss the last entry? You can read it here. Today, we’re not doing a traditional product review. No, instead we’re going to take modern solutions to modern problems. Let’s get started.
Personal Pandemic Woes
It almost feels like a dream to talk about at this point.
Really, that’s what it feels like. A dream.With more lockdowns looming right around the corner (and some countries already doing just that), it feels weird to think there was once a time where STIs were the biggest boogeyman I could think of from kink clubs. We didn’t hesitate to take proper precautions with those either. Some of the clubs I went to wouldn’t even let you in without a clean screening.
But that’s the difference. Life goes on with STIs. It’s different, sure. But you’re still alive. You’re still smiling and laughing for the most part thanks to modern medicine. If you’re responsible and communicate the reality of it clearly, you can still have full, loving relationships as well.
COVID-19 doesn’t always give you that liberty. The possibility of the worst happening looms large and massive in the background of my mind now, as it does for many people the world over. I got vaccinated, I wear my mask, yet I live in a country where half the population doesn’t think this is even real. When others fail the base level of empathy and responsibility necessary to ensure the safety and lives of those around them, non-interaction goes from a suggestion to a necessity of survival.
It fucking sucks. I miss kink clubs. We could have been past all this or at least mostly back to “normal”, but some of you bastards had to ruin it for all of us. I hope the world we now find ourselves in was worth the smug smile you gave us.
That longing and the unfortunate circumstances we all find ourselves in has driven many to seeking intimacy solutions. Quite a few people got into sex work via Only Fans and others. Many people discovered the world of teledonics and long distance romance. While these are certainly fun and thrilling, they didn’t solve my particular want.
Specifically, I missed glory holes.
Glory holes were a synthesis of everything I have kinks in. Public sex, an audience and total lack of strings attached. They were a (with precaution) safe hookup and an excellent way to spend a weekend. If you were really daring, you could make a few friends as well. Though the CDC did advise to use gloryholes specifically at the beginning of the pandemic, physical interaction remains a difficult proposition for the immunocompromised or those with immunocompromised relations. Getting my dick sucked really isn’t that important when I could get a cough that kills me.
So there I sat, with my dick so dreary. Long, hard and oh so weary. What was I, a person that enjoyed nutting all over the faces of people I’d never meet again, to do?
The answer came in what can only be described as the culmination of my studies writing this article series. A device so crude and rude, yet crafted with such TLC that you can’t help but nut inside of it. It was something borne from the fever dreams of New Yankee Workshop and one-handed romance. If the world was to make lovers scarce, then I would simply engineer my own.
Deviants, I present to you the fuck board.
Power Tools To Power My Tool
The Fuck Board isn’t a modern idea by any stretch of the imagination. Rather, it’s something quite a few people have built already. And yet, it’s not common overall due to a lack of carpentry skills, tools and patience. I mean, I get it. Wood prices have skyrocketed and harbor freight tools only work half the time. These things also take up room as well, and it’s difficult to explain why the “wine rack” has nut all over it.
Yet, the fuck board is a wonderful invention if you’ve the patience for it. While not a perfect replication of a glory hole and a bit costly, it’s just close enough a facsimile to be a thrilling experience.
The Fuck Board is precisely as it sounds. It’s a board with holes in it that keep your hard-cased strokers in place while you buck into them. This can be as fancy or as simple as you want it to be, though it does take having proper tools to make well. Building one is essentially like building a braced shelf, except when you erupt into swearing it’ll be out of ecstasy instead of an OSHA violation. The only question when it comes to a Fuck Board is where to begin.
Frankly, this is entirely dependent upon your toys. If you’re going to be fucking things with your penis, I’d recommend using hard-shell strokers with removable inner sleeves that have similar diameters. If your diameters match, there won’t be a need to acquire differing circular cutters. You’ll be able to drop your toys into their respective slots and go after securing the board itself. While you can have as few or as many toys as you want, I find that having a toy mount is a less costly solution if you’re only planning on two toys at a time. A “good” fuckboard usually has at least 4 toys, all with a variety of sensations.
If you’re going to be riding your toys instead, I’d actually question the viability of a fuckboard at all. Many dildos feature suction cups at their base now, and can easily mount on any surface. Some of them likewise can be mounted onto fuck machines for greater sensation. However, there’s absolutely nothing stopping you from making a fuckboard for dildos, though I recommend layering laminated title or vinyl flooring samples on the side you’ll be fucking. That way, your toys actually stick to the board.
Identifying how many toys you’re going to be using with your fuckboard is vital, as it ultimately will determine how much of what materials you’re going to need. Your toys will need proper spacing between them from the outer edges of their circumference to ensure they don’t knock against each other, though they can be secured further within their slots any number of ways (an angled ramp, parachord, velcro straps around a dowel). If you’re like me and enjoy gripping things so you can fuck them harder, you’re also going to want space for your hands to grip and spatial accommodations along the top of your fuckboard for pleather mounting or padding. Lastly, if you ever intend on using your fuckboard with a partner, both of you are arguably going to need at least a little bit of space.
Hypothetically if we’re to use 4 toys, you’re going to want a fuckboard that is at least five feet long, eight inches tall with the board itself being at least an inch thick. You’re going to want your toys spaced at least six inches from each other on either side. I also recommend untreated lumber and hardwoods over softwoods, as your fuckboard is quite literally going to be built to take a pounding. With a board this long, you’re going to need to brace it at either end and in the middle. You’re also going to want to account for that padding we mentioned along the top. Measure accordingly and measure twice so you only have to cut once and don’t waste material.
After cutting, I recommend sanding down all the respective parts of your fuckboard until they’re incredibly smooth. Especially the inner diameters of your toy slots so they don’t damage your things. While you absolutely don’t have to stain the wood, I actually recommend doing so. If not, at least give it several clear coats of sealant. This keeps moisture out of your fuckboard and ensures several years, if not decades, of usability. With this project, you’re creating a kink toy that may very well outlast you.
Which brings us to the next part of planning-while you can make your fuckboard look like anything you want, I’m a huge fan of “stealth use” toys and accessories. It doesn’t take much work to turn a fuckboard into a pretentious wine rack. You could feasibly even hand-wave it off as a stylized bookshelf. The possibilities are endless and while you’re free to make this as you wish, I’d think twice before burning BUSSYBREAKER9000 into something your literal great grandkids might find.
Or don’t, show them how rad you were. Your call.
After planning, cutting, sanding, staining and joining your fuckboard together, you’re almost ready to use it. Almost. Your fuckboard is going to need braced if you’re going to use it. While there are several ways to accomplish this, I actually recommend using the rubber-padded wood clamps you’ve undoubtedly got laying around somewhere in your workshop. If not, you can pick them up pretty much all day long at any hardware store. Tighten the clamps until they’re firmly in the fuckboard, and the board doesn’t rattle against the other surface at all. I also recommend putting a washcloth or rag against the tongs of your clamps so they don’t scratch the surface of your “wine rack”.
Viola! Your fuckboard is done! Plop those toys on and get to bucking!
Fuckboard Squared: Hypercube
While the above plans are for stuff you can pick up at any hardware store, I won’t discount the idea of using autocade and a 3d printer to make even more amazing concepts for fuckboards. I could totally see a hinged fuck cube for all your toys, or something more. If you’re extra spicy, you could even use biodegradable plastic filament to ensure your creations don’t harm the environment. If you’re someone skilled in 3d printing and got an idea, drop me a line. I’d love to see it.
While the fuckboard isn’t a perfect solution, the imitation of a glory hole wall waiting with eager holes can be accentuated with porn, music and more. The possibilities here are as endless as your imagination. What’s more, fuckboards (like glory holes themselves) are much more fun with more partners. Circle jerks especially enjoy them.
That’s all for now. Enjoy deviants-and remember to wear safety glasses.