Good day my lovely deviants, and welcome again to Jack’s Sack-our sex toy review series. Miss the last entry? You can read it here. Today, we’re going to be diving into Tenga’s new model line and discussing the changing nature of reviews here.
Being Seen And Heard
So hey, I’m an exhibitionist.
Shocking considering I make adult content I know. But long before Splathouse was a tingle in my nuts, exhibitionism was my de facto form of sexual expression. It started on yahoo chat rooms, totally unmoderated and horrific hellholes of predation. As time passed on however, far safer options (Omegle, Sham Chat and Kik) became available. I won’t say that being an exhibitionist has driven my posting habits-but kink friendly platforms are far, far more likely to get my attention than those that aren’t. It wasn’t a question of if I’d have an OnlyFans, but when.
In the sense of full disclosure, I’ve been struggling to figure out what to do with my only fans. I mean yeah, post porn, I get it. But OF is an ever shifting platform that even now is trying to pivot from it’s kink roots. That gives creatives like me even unsteadier footing as we’re awash in answering questions we’re likely not ready for. Do I charge a subscription? What can I post here that’s different from other places?
Originally, my OF was simply going to serve as a backup platform for Splat Speaks and other projects. They don’t charge for storage space, and multi-platform uploading truly is the name of the game. However, that soon grew wearisome. I’m already uploading on multiple platforms and doing redundant cloud and hard storage backups once a month. Did I really need a third platform with the same content on it?
So, I floundered for a bit. I mulled over using OF as it’s popularly intended. I contemplated simply doing something radically different. The answer came in the form of producing the same over-the-top goofy adult-centric stuff I do anyways and re-embracing my years-neglected exhibitionist roots. A “Hi, here’s my dick and a side of slapstick” if you will. It led to me testing toys for this series “semi-live”, via recording audio or video.
This adds an element of excitement to the proceedings for sure, but also results in some pretty hilarious moments.
Like the audio I recorded for the Tenga Geo Glacier I got in the mail.
Higher Than A Choir
The Tenga Geo product line is relatively new to Tenga’s catalogue, and features the same soft-white medical grade TPE rubber you’ve come to expect from their brand. What sets the Geos apart is their obvious stealth usage and the incredibly intense texturing featured on the toys. Seriously, take all the labels off, and you’d never guess this was a sex toy even with that transparent dome on top.
In practice, the closest analogue to the Geos would be the Tenga Eggs, though those feature much, much thinner rubber and are intended for single use. You remove both from their shells and flip them inside out to use them. Lacking a shell, users are free to stretch and vigorously fuck the toys as much as they want.
The Eggs must have been a success as the Geos are simply an expansion of the idea, built for hard thrusting and much more well endowed users. As the walls of the toy are thicker, this allows for the texturing to be much more intricate and pronounced. Glancing at the line, you’ll notice that the Coral and Glacier especially have much more intricate grooving than you’d seen on a traditional Tenga or stroker.
The effect is absolutely noticeable immediately.
You’ve got to understand-when I get ready to test a toy “semi-live”, I’m diving in blind. I have absolutely no idea what I’m in for, or if I’ll have to ham it up a bit for the mic or camera. I’m not just demonstrating the product, I’m selling my performance as well. While I can honestly say I’ve never faked a moan or orgasm there have been times before that I had to do most of the work with the toy. I had to fuck harder, thrust deeper, that kind of thing.
A lot of this has to do with how textured a toy is, how soft those textures are and how well they hold up under repeated jack-hammering of your hips. Not all toys are created equal, and if materials used are too pliable those textures will simply press into the surrounding walls. Meaning, you won’t feel a thing. Some toys are so pliable that upon use they turn into a floppy rubber tube around your cock. Shells add stability, but can never affect how well those textures hold. That, first and foremost, is absolutely a materials and engineering issue.
Products like the Geo certainly are stretchy, but not too soft. This results in them being able to take abuse but never being so floppy you don’t feel them. Being free from a shell is a selling point, as you ultimately determine how intense those strongly engineered textures wrap around your cock.
Which was precisely the mistake I made during recording.
Okay, “mistake” is the wrong word. Especially considering the audio of me using the Geo Glacier is one of the more successful uploads I’ve had. Rather, I grossly underestimated the Geo Glacier and the sounds it was going to beckon from my lips. I had convinced myself by the time I was hard that “Oh, it’s just like the eggs, this won’t be so bad”.
I think I made it seven minutes.
The entire recording is roughly ten, and I had to take breaks.
My voice cracked in a way it hasn’t since I still regularly attended mass.
The Geo Glacier succeeds where many strokers fail by focusing on a detail the rest of the pack misses-having proper engineering that allows intense sensations right along your glans. Those triangles rub right up against the underside of your cock and over the tip. With proper hand techniques, your eyes will roll and your hands will flail as you reach for whatever you can to steady yourself.
I was still hard after I came, so I kept bucking right into Glacier. Whoever said sloppy seconds wasn’t wonderful was a fucking fool. Even after the recording ended and I was light headed, I kept bucking until I utterly coated the glacier a second time. With such incredibly fine detail work on the texture, I was absolutely sure this thing was going to be a pain to clean. That couldn’t be farther from the truth. A coating of toy cleaner and warm water was all it took. The casing for the Geo even featured a drip tray, so you could easily put your “desk toy” out to dry without worry of it making a mess.
Conclusion (And Further News)
I can safely and with absolute certainty recommend the Geo line to my readers. At thirty five dollars, you’re going to be hard pressed to find a toy that can accommodate a wide variety of cocks while still providing a hearty sensation that’s this easy to clean. With the stealth shell casing, you’ve a toy that knocks it out of the park while still being suitable for “polite company” to look at.
What’s more, I’ll be able to give a full recommendation for the entire line, as a deviant has so kindly purchased the other two for me. More on that when they arrive and an enormous thank you from the Splathouse Offices for that.
Before we close out this review, I’d like to say testing these “semi-live” is going to be the norm going forward. It’s yet another way to engage with my audience, I personally enjoy it, and I feel having…audio and visual demonstrations illustrates how well these products work better than words alone ever could.
If you’re interested in watching me test these toys, I recommend following me on That Infamous Site That Sells Only (box) Fans.
-j