Good day everyone, and welcome back again to Jack’s Sack, our sex toy review series. Miss the last entry? You can read it here. Today we’re going to get a bit unconventional-let’s talk about good vibes, bad vibes and how to keep both in balance for your chakras.
Wibble Wobble Bobble
“Vibes” is actually a fascinating word, mostly because it’s such a modern western invention.
As popularly referenced today, “vibes” is a simple analogy for “mood or feeling”. It emerged into regular usage during the 1960s counterculture movement. Specifically from the “hippie” or “pothead” circles, which is a nice umbrella way of referencing literally anyone who was opposed to the vietnam war. Attaining “good vibrations” has been a quest passed down from our grandparents. We’re still searching for a way to find peace in a universe that knows anything but.
As tragic as that sounds, it curtails nicely into the cottage industry that’s sprouted up around “getting good vibes” and “self care”. Crystals, iching, chakras and more have largely been appropriated in the west and re-branded to be palatable to middle-class moms. While some of it actually has nice ancillary usage (like yoga or creating music), a large portion of it falls into pseudo-science or fringe usage at best. As someone who claims to be a “wizard” on the internet, I approach all things with a wide degree of scepticism and doubt. I know the effects bold claims can have and how easily effective delivery can open wallets.
So you can imagine the smirk on my face when I saw this purple triangle as I was searching for things for this series. A “crotch massage”, made by a sex toy company, that charges wirelessly? And it’s totally waterproof? Oh, but it’s for your “back and spine”, right? Uh huh. With a low chuckle I added it to my wishlist, and didn’t give it another thought until it arrived on my front porch.
I can’t believe I’m saying this-but I was proven totally wrong. I have indeed achieved the good vibes so hardily sought after for several decades. Oh, and it actually performs as advertised too.
The Purple People Pleaser
Made by Tracy’s Dog (remember them?), the same people that made one of the few toys I could go balls deep on, this thing doesn’t really have a name. I mean, sure. There’s a title for the product description, but it doesn’t have a normal title like you’d get with other brands. As such, I’m calling this thing the “purple people pleaser”. Hey TD, yes you can hire me for advertising.
The PPP comes in a small, textured black box like you’d receive for a necklace. My particular box came sealed in a non-descript black plastic bag as well. Praise the gods for discrete shipping. I’m at the point the UPS guy no longer looks me in the eye when he does drop offs. With the company logo emblazoned atop, the contents within all have more or less obvious usage. There’s the PPP, a USB charging cable and the charging pad you place the unit atop. The instruction booklet gives details to charging time, mode operation and vibrational settings. The PPP itself is a medical grade rubber triangle that vaguely looks like a muppets nose. It fits comfortably in the palm of your hand, unlike other nose shapes they could have gone with I suppose.
Charging is actually fairly simple. Plug one end of the chord up to the pad, the other up to pretty much any USB charger. Place the PPP on the accompanying outline on the pad, not just on it. The reason for this is wireless charging actually works based on relative locations of an electronic device to the charging pad. This can take hours if you don’t do it right, so make sure that you do. As all toys ship on “low” charge due to regulations shipping batteries, this should be the first thing you do before even using the device.
So just how effective is this thing after a charge?
As Advertised (And Not)
Being that the PPP is advertised as a spinal relief aid, I opted to have that be my first “use test”. Having left it on charge for a few hours, I decided to test it while live on call with someone on Discord. Because what’s more hilarious than hearing someone hit high notes, right? In the sense of full disclosure, I both told them I was wanting to do this and received their consent before proceeding.
“So uh, where the hell should I put this first?” I asked, twirling it in my fingers.
They laughed, and pointed out it’s a “crotch massager”. So I stuffed the PPP right under my balls and switched it on. Now, I would like to stipulate that despite what I do, I’m incredibly thankful as a performer to have done very fucking few live performances. Because frankly, the initial reaction we give to a stimulus or prop isn’t always the most “professional” one. I’m also someone who has lived a life full of unexpected feelings, constantly at clash with the universe on the quest for “good vibes”.
So when I say having my testicles gently jostled and massaged led to this other person to bust out laughing, I mean that in a good way. Goaded by them I switched through the various vibration modes, each one familiar (they’re identical to other vibrators I’ve worked with) but new in that particular area. What? It’s been a long freaking lock down, okay?
I would be remiss if I didn’t mention that while this obviously felt good, I think it would be much, much more effective for my readers that have vaginas. Imagine a mini-symbian between your legs that you can hide discreetly on an office chair, and you’re right on the mark. My guest pointed out that the page on Amazon very clearly had a diagram of it between someone’s butt cheeks, so I rose with a half chub and re-positioned the PPP.
Now, I’ve an enormous ass. A real donk. Some junk in the trunk that jiggles to every bassline of funk that pours through my speakers. I wasn’t sure I could get the PPP where it needed to be (right against my boxer-clad rim, or at least between my cheeks) comfortably. But lo and behold I did-and much to my surprise, it did more than stimulate my rim.
It…actually kind helped my lower back. I’m someone that lifts weights anywhere from forty-five minutes a day to an hour, and I max out at least once a week. While I’ve been more proactive about not unintentionally hurting myself, some days are easier than others. Jerks and deadlifts even done properly still can put strain on your muscle groups along your spine. Lower back soreness is a common experience during my week. While the PPP didn’t eliminate it, it certainly aided tremendously. I actually felt much better than I normally do in a sedentary position with it between my meaty backside.
However, that’s not why you’re reading this review. After I got off the discord call, I went and filled my bathtub. I put on some music, and grabbed the PPP. With a solitary beer in hand I lowered myself into the piping hot water. I turned the PPP on, and slipped it back beneath me. As someone who isn’t a size queen and prefers rimming to having something all the way in my guts, it was incredibly effective at.
Uh.
All kinds of relaxation, right.
By the time the water had went from hot to “too cold to be comfortable”, I was in an absolute daze. Incredibly fucking hard as well, but a daze nonetheless. Imagine something that never gets tired of rimming you, and that’s precisely the mark.
Final Thoughts:
While the search for aligning our chakras with our inner winds (or whatever the new-age sell line is today) will likely continue to occur, the PPP hits the mark nicely. It does precisely what it claims while offering additional value that makes its price point well worth it.
Just probably bring a towel.
Trust me.
-j