Joyful Stick: Futa Fix Dick, Dine and Dash
Good day and welcome yet again to Joyful Stick, our adult game review series. Miss the last entry that had five free games you could download? You can read it here. Today, we’re going to be reviewing (and talking in depth about) Futa Fix, Dick Dine And Dash from Critical Bliss. This ones a doozy, so if you’re looking for a simple “yay or nay”, skip to the last paragraph.
Diamonds in Feces
Over the course of this series, I’ve had to tackle what I personally would call “controversial subjects” in games. Scenes bordering (or flat out being) sexual assault. Less than stellar devs releasing amazing products. Games that, for all intents and purposes, aren’t objectively bad yet tackle these subjects with such a fumble it’s impossible to ignore. As a member of the kink community who believes consent, personal safety and autonomy are paramount, I can’t in good faith ignore when a title screws any of those up. We deserve the right to feel happy, safe and well in our own bodies and minds. I’d never forgive myself if I recommended something that caused someone to spiral out.
Gods above, we’re still recovering from the damage Fifty Shades of Gray did to BDSM. No need to add to that.
So, I would like to admit upfront I was incredibly hesitant about reviewing Dick, Dine and Dash. It was directly because of a single word in the title.
“Futa” or “Futanari” for those that are unaware is a japanese term that means “new type” and is commonly used to refer to adrogynous characters. Typically “futa” characters have a mixed set of genitals (a cock and a vagina, a cock and balls with female features, a vagina with a foot long clit imitating a penis, etc). In media presentations, these characters are overwhelmingly portrayed as women with a penis. While the original terminology may seem harmless, as we discussed prior in the week words fluctuate and change based on cultural adoption. The “futa” terminology adopted in the west isn’t necessarily a reflection of the east. It’s akin to how “otaku” and “neet”-terms that in Japanese were given with derision-have been rebranded with typical western gloss.
More to the point, “futa/futanari” is often a term used to alienate and de-humanize trans bodies by western audiences. The term itself is based in fetishizing and by proxy turns trans people into sex objects. I’ve only ever heard the phrase used by people whose entire awareness of the trans community is through hentai, or as tagging on doujinshi sites. For those of you screaming at the screen right now that “it’s different”, the burden of proof rests on you. Show me hentai that portrays trans bodies without calling them “futa”. Show me something that doesn’t portray a woman with a penis as a sex crazed maniac that constantly needs to ejaculate. Show me something where a woman with a penis isn’t seen as some shameful secret that she has to hide.
Show me trans bodies engaging in love in happiness under a “futa” tag. I am genuinely curious to see if such a thing exists.
What’s more, the use of “futa” in the west isn’t cultural adoption but cultural appropriation. Westerners, as with anything we ever touch, ditch the original meaning in order to re-package it for their own tastes. If “futa” was used to represent androgyny in earnest, then I myself would fall under that label as a non-binary person. So would David Bowie, Prince and countless other performers. “You don’t know what futa means” has as much logical backing as “trap isn’t a slur”. Adoption by niche corners are not a reflection of the majority but culturally context-sensitive incidents. In short, viewing the terms usage in the west requires tunnel vision if you earnestly don’t think it’s a problem.
If you’re trans and refer to yourself as “futa”, by all means drop me a line. I would love to hear your reasoning.You can even do so anonymously at that link.
With all of that said-I was willing to give FFDDD the benefit of the doubt, even given it’s obvious western flavor and feel. I was willing to overlook the title and be objective about the games contents. As such, let’s talk about what the game does right. You’ll notice I specifically avoid the narrative.
The Good:
FFDDD has quality level art stills despite rotating between a limited number of backgrounds. Of the seven girls you have the possibility to interact with each of them looks and feels unique from the others in their character design and arcs. This is especially noticable during the animated sex scenes, an incredibly rare occurance for visual novel eroges.
Likewise, a majority of the game is fully and professionally voice acted. For all the grief I gave My Breast Friend Sally, Critical Bliss seems to have realized their error and hired professionals. Every moment of voiced dialogue feels real, saucey and pitch-perfectly delivered. Without cracking a joke, this sets a new bar for the quality I expect from other publishers.
Speaking of which, arcs with each girl you can select are short and largely driven in kinetic fashion. Meaning, you very easily can load the game, select a girl, complete their arc and rub one out in under 20-30 minutes. That’s without skipping dialogue. As someone who stays constantly busy and lacks the available time to complete 20 hour plus titles, this absolutely was a plus for me. There’s limited choices in each arc, but I found this to be a bonus rather than a hindrance. It’s hard to screw up and get the “bad” end rather than the “good” end for each girl. By design, this makes the title a relaxing and arousing experience that you truly can play at your pace, whenever your needs arise.
Wow, this sounds great right? How on earth could they possibly screw this up?
Oh, But They Did:
FFDDD stars Emily, a girl who has “mysteriously” grown a penis after a run in with another woman that had cat-eyes. The game opens with Emily at her desk, completely nude and bucking into her hands. As she cums all over herself, you’re lulled into a false sense of what this game is about: a “mousey nerd” with a wonderful, sexy body that’s having a hard time adjusting.
Then Emily gets her post-nut clarity and starts talking about how “horrible” and “ashamed” she is to have a penis. How “if anyone found out”, she would be looked at as a “freak”. How “horrible” it is that she has this new found intense libido, to the point she has to masturbate multiple times a day just to keep from accidentally “letting loose her meat snake”. It’s so awful that she’s masturbating multiple times before work just to get by.
As someone who has multiple friends and colleagues who have gone through “second puberty”, the obvious parallels between Emily’s “transformation” and that are impossible to avoid. What’s troublesome however is Emily’s reaction which the player is witness to. Emily views what’s happening to her body as this horrible, secret shame to be avoided at all costs. She hates her body and herself for inhabiting it. By contrast, “second puberty” is often a time of joy for my trans friends as they’re becoming who they always were. It left a horrible taste in my mouth that only grew more sour as I played, like a rancid molar.
Emily arrives at work, a diner run exclusively by women. It’s then we’re introduced to the cast in brief and are faced with our first choice: who do we spend our work night with? Rachael, our powerful and confident boss? Cindy, the party girl? Or Clover, the physically fit blonde? I opted for Rachael first, as Emily seemed desperate to get approval after being late. I will fully admit upfront that I half expected a romance/power dynamic arc.
Only the second half of that was true.
What followed was Rachael stalking Emily and using her authority and position to influence her into becoming Rachael’s “pet”. Scenes included Emily being followed to her home by Rachael, who then cornered her, opened her mail and held her against the wall despite protests. Later, Rachael ties down and gags Emily, who had no awareness this was going to happen at all. You’re given precisely three chances to say no to these interactions. If you say “yes” however, Rachael always takes far more than what Emily agrees upon. To be totally blunt, Rachael’s actions would be considered sexual assault by any member of the BDSM community or, at best, a gross violation of trust to the point no relationship between the two women should occur. Even if you avoid these obviously problematic scenes, Rachael still canonically stalks Emily. That’s a major plot point in her arc.
Oh, and when Rachael finds out Emily has a penis, the first thing out of her mouth is “are you a boy?”. Hearing Emily believably stammer and struggle to explain (with perfect voice acting) was like living through every horror story I’ve heard from the trans community. Not since I played Doki Doki Literature Club blind for the first time have I been awestruck by the sheer audacity of a narrative’s line crossing. I was incredibly tempted to throw in the towel then and there and call this review a wash.
But, I’m a glutton for punishment. So I persisted.
I opted for Clover for my second arc, as to be totally honest I found her aesthetically pleasing. Clover, after Rachael, was a breath of fresh air with her easy-going and up beat attitude. I was almost optimistic things would go well. When she offered to do Yoga at her house, I happily obliged. I wasn’t let down, either. The scene is full of shots that let you know just how big and round Clover’s butt is. Afterwards, as Emily is trying hard to hide her arousal, Clover approaches her from behind and presses against her. There’s an intimate moment between the two in which she gains Emily’s trust and invites her over for a “movie night”. I naturally agreed again.
The next scene is where the game tries to meet “shame and joy” at Emily’s situation halfway. It’s revealed (via watching a pornographic action movie) that Clover is “like Emily” and also has a penis. The two talk about how their bodies have changed since the run-in with the cat eyed woman, and there’s a brief moment where Emily’s shame is contrasted against Clover’s optimism. While Emily is frightened of what people might think, Clover thinks what has happened to her is totally awesome. She enjoys her body and what’s more, is happy to have met someone like her. The rest of the arc is spent with the pair celebrating themselves with lots of sex between them and shared partners. This was wonderful after Rachael, and is ultimately why I continued to play.
I chose Cindy next, as despite the game having a full cast to choose from, some are only unlocked after you complete certain character’s arcs. Cindy was the “party girl” at work, known for being incredibly promiscuous. This isn’t portrayed in any kind of “slut shaming” light however. Rather, Cindy being so open about her sex life is what leads Emily to go with her to a club one night. The two dance, and Cindy feels a need in a grossly intoxicated state to take Emily to the bathroom.
What followed was Cindy crying “bonus!” as Emily’s cock is freed, an awkward drunken blow job, and a morning at work where Emily is ashamed to talk to Cindy. Cindy doesn’t remember a thing, however. It’s only a brief reprieve before the pair decide to go out clothes shopping together and Cindy re-discovers that Emily has a penis, coughing up “so you’re a man?” in her surprise.
This pattern-the reveal, the awkward stammering by Emily and that question-is repeated throughout multiple other arcs of the game. It’s almost always followed by whatever girl you’re with giving something that sounds like it came from the cis-het playbook. “Live your truth, cocks are great! Hey, my best friends are dicks-so can you show me your dick?”. I’m paraphrasing of course, but without fail it’s the same scene over and over regardless of what girl you choose. I’d call it a lack of narrative originality, but the game is purposefully designed in a way that whichever girl you choose is the “first” interaction you have to spend your weeknight with. Arcs rarely cross over or have any temporal permanence aside from a sly mention of another character. What starts as an incredibly tone-deaf and offensive way of talking about trans bodies (or anybody for that matter) winds up a copy-pasted script through the other arcs. I really wish I had the energy to type about the other arcs (I played them all), but there would be nothing truly noteworthy or new to add.
Futa Fix Dick, Dine and Dash is a beautiful, incredibly lazy train wreck that has so much wasted potential in a market rich with opportunities to respectfully address consumers who would be happy to give Critical Bliss their money. It did absolutely everything right except read it’s own fucking script.
Yay or Nay?
Answering whether or not you should purchase this game isn’t easy. There’s so much that this game pulls off that I scream and beg for from other titles. And like, I got hard! I actually got aroused playing the game!
Only to have my mood plummet as my eyes rolled seconds later.
The title, in earnest, feels like a relic from the cultural wasteland of the early 2000s. Which is the most damning thing I can say about it since it debuted on December 12th, 2020-a time when everyone was still in the middle of a lockdown, horny and likely desperate for any kind of media outlet.
Despite that, the title has likely been incredibly successful for Critical Bliss. I highly doubt a majority of consumers took time to realize what the game was implicating, much less Critical Bliss itself. Games don’t happen in isolation. An entire team of writers, programmers, artists and editors lead to this making it to market. At no point did any of them object to the script in any fashion.
My final thoughts on the game are this: If you’re into highly commoditized viewpoints on people’s existence in what is otherwise a quality product or you’re capable of looking over problematic and lazy writing, this is for you. If you’re seeking proper queer representation, fresh ideas or even a script with any sort of brain, your money can be better spent on any number of titles.
-j