Good day my lovely deviants, and welcome again to Joyful Stick. Miss the last entry? You can read it here. Today, we’re going to be reviewing five titles that are as free as your availability to a computer is. Let’s begin.
For Free?
“Free” sure is one hell of a qualifier.
Because what’s really, truly “free” when it comes to entertainment? At the least, you’re investing time, the only truly finite resource any of us have. “Free”, in practice, is a lie. There’s always an investment. Our culture has just so ingrained “time is money” into our collective psyche that we associate “free” exclusively with monetary value. That’s dumb as hell and is slowly killing us all.
So this week, I decided to challenge myself and that cursed definition. I sought some “free” titles on steam to play for Joyful Stick. I figured I’d find one, maybe two. But I bagged five instead, all in various states of quality. The only thing you’ll have to invest is time, that precious thing you’ll never recover.
The following titles are otherwise “free” in the sense that you’ll need a Steam account and a computer made after 2010. System requirements (save for one) are uniformly low across the board. If your computer could handle any of the previous titles I’ve reviewed, you’ll be fine here.
In the interest of preserving that, we’re going to do this in descending order. Worst to best. Let’s go.
Yes, Master! And Fap Queen II:
Having been poverty stricken before, I’ve learned enough to know plenty of “free” things are actually great. Libraries are free. Friends are free. If you’re hungry, there’s probably a food pantry somewhere with great, decent food. “Free” doesn’t mean “bad”-but in the case of the following title, it’s an absolute sign of quality.
Were I to compare Yes, Master! And Fap Queen II to anything at all, it would actually be those early 2000-2010 “adult” games you played on Newgrounds. I specifically date that time period because modern Newgrounds titles are actually pretty good. But that 2000-2010 era? Jesus christ.
Yes, Master! Is a hypnosis centric title that centers around the protagonist finding a magic locket via blatant sexual assault, which she goes on to use in various acts of sexual assault against other people. I specifically mention this because there is zero un-coerced consent within the game whatsoever. Our protag only asks people to do things after they’re under the effect of hypnosis, which-as someone who has created hypnosis based content-is a massive fucking no no.The art style resembles the countless ads you’ve seen scrolling through any given porn site. The puzzles require only that you’ve eyes to see. The “game”, if you can call what is largely a kinetic visual novel with a few clicks that, has a completely non-sensical plot that I can’t even remember. This was the first title I played out of the batch and I was left wondering just how drunk I was going to need to be to endure the rest. Hard pass. You can find better hypnosis content from people prose-posting on twitter.
Fap Queen II (there was a previous one?!) isn’t so much a “game” as it is an interactive, non-copyright infringing venture into the “fap hero” genre. “Fap hero”, for those that don’t know, is often a music or rhythm based video or game in which you beat your meat in time with the-uh, beat. FQ2 opens with three options of ladies to choose from, from the soft-hearted big tiddy witch to the fierce snu-snu wanting barbarian. If I’m being totally serious? This is a title that absolutely would benefit from a production budget. The idea and concept behind it absolutely have demand. I myself have used material in the genre for edging before. A sensible budget alongside an art team easily could make this a recommendation, albeit for a very specific niche. It’s an incredibly low-barrier style of “game” that anyone truly can enjoy. Here’s hoping the dev gets paid for their efforts.
Monster Girl Island: Prologue Demo
What’s a dollar worth to you?
Is it inherently meaningless? Is money an illusion crafted by oligarchs in order to keep us enslaved via assumed debts? Is it merely a piece of paper, one They LIVE style slip away from revealing it’s true nature?
Or is it the difference between seeing a game finish development in a reasonable time or not?
Monster Girl Island: Prologue is one of the more difficult items to talk about in this review. Not because it’s bad, not because it has problematic content. Rather, it’s because it’s not finished, and it’s unlikely it will be any time soon. As such, what we have is ultimately a beautiful, well scripted and incredibly horny tech demo with hours of playable content.
The game begins with your character awakening on a beach to a pair of big anime girl boobies.
Okay, already off to a good start, I know. But the momentary joy twitching ‘twixt your thighs doesn’t last long as a fight erupts and you get knocked out again. Your second awakening is with a neko cat girl at the foot of your bed asking if you’re alive. Her elf stepsister mutters about humans not being trustworthy, but through dialogue decides to allow you to live. Before you know it, you’re up and out of bed exploring the island.
My god, what a beautiful island it is. If you’ve ever seen those 4k highly lifelike minecraft videos people create, the aesthetic is very close. Don’t worry-you can adjust any number of graphical effects from the menu. While my laptop fans whirled a mile a minute playing, I was still able to run the game in a “playable” state. There’s sections of the island that are currently under development or otherwise unavailable (a character calls you on your phone to let you know), but what you get is lovely.
But sparse.
The excuse used within the game is “others are off hunting”, which is a nice hand-wave way of hiding that the game is only a demo. Despite the multiple hours of playtime and characters that come to slowly inhabit the village throughout, the game still feels very empty even after five years of development. Yes, there’s people to talk to, a plot to advance and fun to be had. There’s really, really nicely rendered sex scenes and cute (if tropey) girls to dick down. But five years? And this is it?
Fallout 4 took 7 years. Doom Eternal didn’t even take that long. What gives?
Curiosity got the better part of me. Partially because the game loudly gives it’s demo status away, and mostly due to the fact the only other demo I have ever engaged with to this degree was P.T. (RIP). I went hunting on the Steam forums and amidst the gnashing of teeth from Very Angry Gamers Who Are Forever Online, I found the truth. The entire game is being created by one dude. That’s a task so monumental that I can’t even begin to imagine taking it on.
As such, I’ll leave my review for this as pending. I personally would love to see the game completed and the hard work invested compensated for. If you’re interested in doing the same, you can join Redamz patreon here. Redamz (the dev) is currently on hiatus at the moment due to their mental health. Please be understanding in your support. In the meantime, yes. The demo is well worth your time and is a joy to play.
I Love You, Colonel Sanders! A Finger Lickin’ Good Dating Simulator
One of the first things you learn to deal with in the “free” content arena is advertisements. Sure, you can download a pop-up blocker. You can use a privacy focused browser. You can spoof your location, give fake details, use a throwaway email address. You can do all off these things (also for free) and still have to deal with ads. They’re totally unavoidable in the modern corporate hellscape we’ve entangled ourselves with. The only true freedom you have when it comes to corporate throat-fucking is the degree to which you engage those ads. Not if.
I’m going to be completely honest and upfront regarding what I’m about to write:
This is one of the most terrifying titles I have ever played. The content and it’s execution is expertly crafted to elicit a palpable, real-world response from the player. The last games I played that were able to do this is a toss up between Doki Doki Literature Club or Setsuna’s Sacrifice. Both of which I had to take numerous breaks playing. I had a feeling of what I was getting into, and opted to fortify myself with Angry Orchard before diving into deep-fried depravity.
What exactly is I Love you Colonel Sanders? Is it a shitpost? Marketing? Blatant capitalist propaganda? A meta-critique of visual novels as a whole? Oh, oh you simple mother fucker. It’s all of these things combined with eleven other herbs and spices. It’s the gross output of a corporation that hires the right people, who know their market on an intimate level. I don’t know at what point “we have a fuckable corporate mascot” became a real thing marketing teams decided to use, but we’re here now. One day we’ll have to atone for our sins. I pray the lord spares us.
I Love You Colonel Sanders is a visual novel developed by a group called Psy Ops (sigh) in which you, the non-gendered protag, attend a three day culinary school in order to become a brilliant chef. Along the way you meet a quirky cast of tropes (Your best friend! The Rival! The Cromarte High School Robot!) but the centerpiece is obviously the Colonel himself. Or rather, Colonel Sanders if he was hit with a haphazardly stacked pile of Shonen Jump. Between learning how to cook and tongue-in-cheek jabs at the genre, your romance with Colonel blossoms. Or doesn’t. There’s multiple endings, even.
All of this is wrapped up in a smoothly produced visual novel with an art style that is as crisp and light as KFC alleges it’s biscuits to be. Which you’ll be reminded of roughly every ten minutes. If it’s not the biscuits, it’s the chicken. Or mashed potatoes. Or something else on their menu. On Allah, I have never seen anything from KFC look as delicious as it does in this game. I feel this point is incredibly important to remember as you play-no matter how good you think the game is, it’s a fucking commercial.
That’s where the conflict and horrifying realizations of this review come in. The game is actually good. Comedy is one of the hardest things to write, and even as niche as the jokes and references are they land. The art and characters, being the tropes that they are, were memorable. The game isn’t especially long either. You can get a satisfying playthrough in an afternoon.
But it’s still a fucking commercial.
And it works.
This by far isn’t the first marketing stunt involving sexualizing the Colonel that KFC has pulled. Last year there was a romance movie about him. Before that, there was a novella included with meals. That’s before we get to all the random crap, like the gaming console. Wendy’s might roast you on twitter, but KFC wants you to call it “dad”.
None of this would have been possible without consumer demand rising in proportion to these events. If none of us are immune to propaganda, we’re sure as hell easily bribed with grease. In any other context, sexualizing the Colonel would be fucking insidious. Actually, nah. It fucking is considering what kind of person he was. I Love You Colonel Sanders! Isn’t the cheeky heavily-branded meme fest I was hoping it was. It’s without a doubt an incredibly predatory and evil by-product of modern day consumer based capitalism.
If you dare to play it, be warned. You’ll desire the decadent flesh of genetically modified avians after. Yet your search will be utterly in vain, for no purveyor of such meats will satiate you. You’ll grow to hate the world and yourself for being denied. In the end, alone in the dark of your own malicious hatred, will stand the Colonel. Smiling. Ever, ever smiling as he offers you a biscuit.
Amorous
Okay so I’m going to be honest, the game looks fun but has multiple hours of playtime and I was too exhausted to even start. If you’re into furry/anthro stuff here you go. I can make no claims as to quality, so I brought in a substitution.
Er, HELLTAKER: SECOND CIRCLE
When it comes to free content, most often the easiest way to obtain that is fandoms. Many hardworking people take time out of their day to produce incredible works for others to enjoy. Work that absolutely should be compensated and purchased. You’re not a filthy scum-fuck pirate of hard working creatives, right? Riiiiight. I thought so. Fandom works vary in quality and availability, with DMCA threats looming overhead pretty much everywhere. We’ve already talked about fair use though, so I’ll spare you.
On occasion however, you come across something free of charge that ends up being an incredibly pleasant surprise. Helltaker: Second Circle is one such example, taking the cast of Helltaker and placing them in a largely kinetic visual novel. It damn near seamlessly mimics Vanripper’s art style to the point I actually wondered if the dev gave their blessing or worked on it in any way. As far as I could tell (both based on searching and the game’s own splash screen proclamation) this wasn’t the case. Developer Void.exe doesn’t seem in any way associated with Vanripper, nor has Vanripper made a statement about the game’s existence. I’m assuming this means everything is in the clear until I hear otherwise. Should that happen, this review will be updated accordingly.
Second Circle takes place after the events of the original game, with Lucifer telling you how disappointed she is that you’re not engaging in orgies with all the girls. With the promise of pancakes aplenty, Taker (you) opts to remedy that as soon as possible. After this introduction, you are met with a menu where you can freely select any of the available girls except for Lucy herself (drat!) and Belzebub, who is nowhere to be seen. You can pick any of the girls, and enjoy largely very sweet, non-cheeky dates. Judgement, Justice and Modeus were my personal favorites. After completing a date, your affection with that girl goes up by a single point. Assuming you build up enough points dating a girl, your intimacy with them rises. NSFW content is available and imminent.
I say “assuming”, because as of this writing the game is in build .21-yes, it’s a demo. But it’s an incredibly well polished and crafted experience with (as of this writing) several hours of play time. Void.exe is currently offering the game free of charge on their itch.io page, though you can obviously compensate them if you want to. There is also a subreddit where you can directly contact the dev if you’re so inclined. As the game is currently under active developement (and assumedly with Vanripper’s graces), we’ll leave the review for this one pending. I eagerly await seeing what this project turns into.
That’s all for now. Even if ya’ don’t have a dime in your wallet, these titles are an easy way to kill the forthcoming weekend.
Enjoy, deviants.
All my love.
-j