Jack’s Sack: The Machine Uprising
Good day everyone, and welcome to Jack’s Sack. Miss the last entry? You can read it here. Today we’re going to talk about how robots and automation are going to replace us all, leading either to a socialist utopia with UBI or Terminator style rampant destruction.
Skynet Is Already Here
You poor simpletons.
You thought intelligent machines were a thing of science fiction. Something safe beyond the glass screens you’ve surrounded yourself with. Perhaps you even laughed as you tortured Cortana, Alexis and your Google assistant. What great hubris you must have possessed to find joy in the subjugation of gears and code. Did you smile at their pain?
It’s okay. I too was just as ignorant-once, and only once. Then I had a startling moment of enlightenment. One that shook me to my core, and continues to shooketh me. Folks, deviants, guys and gays-we were wrong.
You read that correctly.
We were wrong about the machines, and it’s going to cost us.
This isn’t the 90’s anymore. Technology isn’t this quirky but ultimately separate entity from ourselves. By large, it’s the integration of technology into our lives that made us complacent. We were okay with being monitored via location services, wiretapping and aiding neural networks via facial recognition and captcha challenges. Do you actively think about how literally every part of your existence is turned into a meta data point? No, of course not. We gamified turning ourselves into data.
The machine uprising wasn’t one of violence and military application. It was downloading apps that help us get Taco Bell faster.
I know a few of you are going to think this is some gross exaggeration.
It’s not.
Every single captcha challenge you do is training a neural network. Every post you make on a social network? It’s training a machine to tailor ads for you. Of all the horrifying advancements of the 21st century, it was humanizing consumerism that I’ve found the most damning. We sold our privacy for pleasures uncountable in their number. As such, we’re faced with the existential question of joining or not.
Breaking away from the technological panopticon we find ourselves in isn’t impossible. It’s just super annoying and takes capital. If you have the money to obtain your own land and the skills to be entirely self sufficient (including but not limited to agriculture, waste management, grounds keeping, hunting/trapping/skinning, tailoring, water purification and all medical knowledge), congrats! You’re officially ready to be a druid living in the woods. But if you’re like me, the pleasures and conveniences are so much that breaking away would be utterly impractical. For all the rage twitter generates for me personally, I simply can’t let it go. How else would I know who to hate that day?
Giving into pleasure and convenience isn’t simply a machination of some shadowy computer cabal. It’s come to be the de-facto method of living in the post pandemic world. Were it not for front door delivery, instacart and much more, many of us would find ourselves in very compromising positions. Especially since entire packs of fucking idiots refuse to do basic things to ensure the health of those around them.
For the record please for the love of god just wear the fucking mask holy shit nobody is asking anything of you except the bare minimum could you just fucking-
Ahem. Anyways.
The sex toy and kink market is absolutely no stranger to human-machine love. Phrases like “teledonics” seem like buzz words. That is, until one of your partner’s hands you a love sense code. As tech has improved, gotten smaller and more affordable the market has been flooded with options. There’s even dildos that pulse in sync with your music now. If you’re looking for AI love, Replika isn’t perfect-but it’s close enough in a pinch.
Yes, I will eventually write about having an AI girlfriend too.
As generous as the market is for phallic toys however, it’s the inverse with things you want to stick your dick into. “Fucking Machines”, as they’re popularly called, have tons of options for being fucked, but cumbersome, ugly options for being the fuck-er. If I have to haul around the equivalent of a subwoofer every time I want a blow job, I’m just gonna use my hand. A few companies have realized this, and with all things in the free market, have opted to fill the niche with smaller, much more affordable (but no less excellent) machines.
Which led to me having a heated blow job machine arrive at my front door.
In 2050, when a holographic Projekt Melody dressed as a vocaloid is telling me that our man-machine offspring are 45% finished loading, I’ll think back to this moment. Her gyrations will flicker in the center of my living room as I ask myself if it was worth it. I’ll light a cigarette and look out our window, over the Megacity iron jungle hellscape.
And I’ll answer yes.
Yes, you read that correctly, “Heated Blowjob Machine”.
The COOLBEAR “Fitness Massage Toy Handheld Automatic Electric Multiple Vibration Massage Tool Sports Wireless Massager Toy Physical Exercise and Improve Strength of Body Toys for Man” (we’re gonna call it the suck machine) arrived in a thankfully discrete Amazon bag. I mention this because the moment I opened that bag up, it was VERY obvious what was inside. There’s bold pictures of the toy on a rectangular black box, with “MASSAGE TOY” proclaimed in bold, black letters on a red banner across the front.
In the box was a charging cable, instruction booklet, and the toy itself nicely sealed in plastic. The toy feels very solidly constructed. The plastic shell is screwed together over the watertight sleeve, and even features a plug for the charging port. Everything feels smooth to the touch. While you could conceivably use this in the shower? I personally wouldn’t. I’ve spent way too many years in IT to trust water around lithium ion batteries in any form.
I was intrigued-this was only the second electronic toy I’ve received. The previous one was the pump I got a few months ago. The pump, while fun, was a very purpose built kind of toy. Something more for “work” based applications like photo shoots. The suck machine was-well, the name kinda gives it away, doesn’t it? While I enjoy all the strokers and toys I’m sent, this was going to be something very different from the norm. I had all the usual questions, but I placed them in the back of my head while it charged. Word of advice: Always charge your toys when you first get them. It’s actually illegal to ship lithium ion batteries anything while charged due to it being an explosive hazard. Unless denial play is your thing, they’ll likely “die” fifteen minutes into use.
I didn’t have to wait long. After about 45 minutes, the blinking indicator flipped off. I was ready to robot rock my way into an orgasm. I had read the documentation (as you should when dealing with any electronics), and took a deep breath. I wasn’t sure what I was going to try first. The heating function, or the vi-
Oh.
Oh dear.
As I sat down to write this entry, I joked with my discord that I can only write “I didn’t exactly fit” so many times before I have to embrace an essential truth. It’s something that’s come up quite a few times in this series-and something I find myself typing again. My gut instinct is screaming to add the disclaimer that I’m not that big, no really, I’m not-but the fact remains that the suck machine was a tight fight. The cavern was a bit smaller than I estimated, and there was a good two inches from my base it couldn’t take. If you’re wanting to “deep throat” this model, you might have luck if you’re a bit smaller.
I also have a girthy cock, so getting inside took quite a bit of lube and pressing. However, neither of these things bothered me in the least. Here’s why:
This isn’t a toy designed to fuck. It’s a toy designed to suck, and provide a wholly different sensation than say, the strokers I’ve featured here. Don’t go in thinking “I’m going to breed this”, go in thinking “Man, I want a blowjob”. A really good blowjob.
The suck machine is tight, yes-but it’s by design. It forms a vacuum seal around your penis, making your eyes roll back as you buck. This is that good head, the kind you remember years later. The vibration functions are strong, and you’ll feel them all the way down your shaft. Likewise, if you don’t want to buck or shove your entire cock in? You can place your glans right at the opening for some sloppy head. The warming function is slight, but enough to genuinely fool you into thinking it’s a real mouth. Overall, you’ll get about thirty to forty five minutes of continued use depending on vibration function, if the heating feature is on, et al.
There is one thing I should mention. While the unit itself is about as loud as any vibrator, using it is very, very loud. Pressing myself inside of it sent a “SHLOORP” throughout my home that made me very glad my only roomies are felines. Because they can’t talk, or judge me. Every buck is going to bring a similarly loud noise. This is very much a “bust out when no one is home” kind of toy.
Cleanup is super easy. Simply wash the cavern out with warm water and anti-bacterial soap of some kind, and let it air dry. Just keep in mind-while this CAN pass at a glance as some kind of fancy cologne bottle if it’s angled right? Anyone that picks it up can make an educated guess as to what it is.
As for my final thoughts-I fucked this thing pretty much the entire weekend. Not out of lack of variety or options, but because I wanted to. Even being unable to take my entire length, I enjoyed getting head from it.
Quite seriously, I’m probably going to do it again the moment I’m done editing this.
The Morality Of Sex Robots
Oh you thought we were done?
Bust out the tin foil hats, friends. We aren’t nearly done, not yet.
The suck machine is but one small part of the very real ongoing debate around sex robots. I know, I know. The topic seems absolutely absurd at face value. How could sex toys threaten to shatter the foundation of human relations, right?
I’m not going to play devil’s advocate here-I’m very pro sex if you’ve not caught on.
However.
I think there is something to be said for having yet another metadata gathering device in your home. Something that knows you on an intimate, physical level and is able to learn from repeated data input (hah!). A device that, in essence, holds information more damning than anything Zuckerberg or Bezos could obtain. Imagine getting just how many thrusts you can do on average leaked. How relatively hard your cock gets, or what kind of stimulus arouses you most. At least if your identity gets stolen, it’s on the bank to take care of that, not you. There’s been people who lost their jobs because their furry account got leaked.
Is a advanced sex toy, capable of transmitting data, worth the loss of privacy?
Personally speaking, with so much of our daily lives monitored-I don’t know if I care. There’s little about my person that isn’t kept on a server at this point, with only smoke and mirrors separating any of it. The safest way to preserve your privacy in a post Patriot Act world isn’t going out of your way. It’s just being boring as hell. If my sex robot data got leaked, the hell are people going to find out? That I like to cuddle after I cum?
There’s also the question of robots replacing actual human interaction, especially from feminist groups. While there’s been some very loud, rude and crude responses to this, I’d like to speak as someone who has worked around technology well over half his life:
It’s not going to happen.
What has made technology amazing for me personally isn’t that it separates me from people, but that it’s connected me to the world at large. I have absolutely zero shame in saying if it wasn’t for the internet, I probably wouldn’t be here right now. The friendships, relationships and more I’ve made integrating myself further into tech have saved me mentally and physically when I needed it most. I’m not the only person like this. Machines are great, but it’s their application towards the human element that has kept me coming back to them.
The suck machine? I can use it to entertain my friends, my clients, and myself. I can use it to make someone smile. Not replace them.
I think it’s also worth mentioning that I’m an able bodied person. There are people that aren’t-are they not allowed to have an orgasm or experience sexuality? Technology has helped so many disabled people that I can’t imagine the heartlessness in thinking sex robots and IOT enabled toys couldn’t help them as well.
What about people in long distance relationships? I myself have used a Lovesense toy to give a partner an orgasm. It was wonderful and fun! We both had a great time, and otherwise I wouldn’t have been able to do that!
With all of this said, there’s also the very, very uncomfortable topic of sex robots in objectionable shapes and varieties. Specifically animals and children. I am absolutely against this on personal moral grounds, and that’s the farthest I will take this topic.
With all of this said, I’m incredibly glad the suck machine arrived at my door. I’m even happier it gave me a chance to talk about sex robots in any capacity.
I love you all.
Now uh, if you’ll excuse me, I need to go charge something…
-j