Jack’s Sack: Embracing The Inevitable
Good day everyone, and welcome again to Jack’s Sack. Miss the last entry? You can read it here. Today, we’re going to talk about my total inability to avoid the machinations of fate itself. Oh, and monster fucking, because of course.
My Existence Is An Ongoing Cosmic Joke With My Personage As The Punchline
I really can’t tell you where it started. Believe me, I’ve tried.
I tell people I’m a warlock, that it’s chaos magick, that it’s the laws of attraction. But seemingly every time I joke about something regarding myself, it ends up becoming true in some fashion. The universe never delivers literally, mind. Rather, it does so metaphorically, in a cutesy round-about way. It’s constantly giving me anonymous notes in my locker that leave me sighing as they spill to the floor.
I started Splathouse as a joke. No one will ever hire me, I thought.
Now I have casting calls and commissions.
I joked about dying alone. Now I have so many friends I’m planning a road trip just to hug them all.
Here lately, it’s been that I’m a monster. Some kind of brute better suited to have my claws scuttling on the sea floor. It’s self-depreciating humor born from years of hating the guy in the mirror. I’ve enough body hair to clog your shower forever. I’ve pronounced canines, the works. Somewhere along the line, this turned into people joking that I was a werewolf. I played along-the comments, they made me smile when I needed them most.
Here I am now, writing this review, with nine inches of fat wolf dick beneath the bed. Wolf dick that I used as a prop to perpetuate this ongoing gag. Why do things halfway, right? Right. The funny part is, I had this thing on my wishlist for a grand total of forty five minutes before someone bought it. When the universe laughs, we all laugh apparently.
I’m going to break this review into two parts-our first section will be the actual review. The second, discussing teratophilia as a fetish and why having a big honking wolf penis is more than okay.
(Insert Sam The Sham’s “Little Red Riding Hood” Song Here)
Alright, time to confess something. I’ve a really tight ass. You might have guessed as much from all my political rants on twitter, but it’s a fact of life. My asshole is as tight as a pinhole camera with even less light being able to pass through. While some of you are Brave Fuckers(™), even the thought of something reaching deep enough in my bootyhole to hit my prostate breaks me into a cold sweat. I get flashbacks to emergency room trips my friends took, my anus cinching so tight it requires government clearance to pass through.
As such, I own an extremely limited number of dildos (as in, less than the fingers on your hand). They’re lithe, non-human looking and extremely non-threatening things. It’s a total inversion of the toys I normally review here-and I’m at peace with that. If they don’t look like they’re going to destroy my ass, I’m less scared. Besides, I much prefer feeling something at my rim than physically inside me. If you’re taking a wild guess I’m a top, you get a gold star.
However, I’m really intrigued by the fantasy toy market. There’s seemingly something for everyone-and I do mean literally everyone. Maybe you’re a furry, maybe you’re wanting to roleplay in the bedroom. Whatever your need, so long as you’ve the coin you can find something to fill your holes. As I’m really neither despite all claims to the contrary, I observe fantasy toys like people observe zoo exhibits. A lot of oooh and ahhhh-ing while safely staying on my side of the glass. I’m floored anyone can take those massive things. Some of them are easily the size of my arm.
Yes, I’m aware there’s strokers. No, I’ve not tested any of them because I am a broke bitch. You can help change that here.
For me, the fun with these things came not from their intended use-but how I, as a performer, could use them as a prop. Seeing the obvious, I decided to capitalize on Twitter’s running joke by adding a big fat fucking wolf dick to my Amazon wishlist. I mentioned this on the TL, and figured it would never come to fruition.
In other news, I’m a fucking idiot. I checked back an hour later and sure enough it was already gone, on it’s way, and arriving the next day. My ass clenched tighter than a evangelical family seeing their son playing DnD. I unclenched as I realized I had tens of hours to find a tow dolly, straps and a ramp to ram myself atop this thing.
I didn’t. Sorry folks, I’m not that brave. Especially after I pulled this thing out of the discrete amazon package.
The Simply Ginormous King Kong Wolf Dong boldly embraces its own big dick energy right on the box. Along with unusually high resolution photos that capture every crevice and curve is bold lettering proclaiming it a “realistic werewolf dildo”. It comes in at nearly a foot long with a palpable weight. It’s the kind of dick animators are afraid to draw in hentai (the shading alone!). With flesh tones and blending that beat a majority of the toys reviewed here, it is undoubtedly a big honking hog. This isn’t a toy you could pass off as art, like with the tengas or the succubus jar. If you leave this thing out, I imagine the conversation will go something like this.
Again, I know some of you are Brave Fuckers(™). I however am a coward.
So. With my asshole remaining an exit ramp-what use did I have for this thing?
Hat Rack: The suction cup featured on this dildo is very, very strong. While I didn’t test it on a wet surface, it held onto the mirror and painted walls I placed it upon. Give it the gentle pant of expectation you’ve been holding back on the bottom, and stick it anywhere! Hang your hats, your coats! Have it be a wonderful ice breaker when Jehova’s Witnesses are over! Only flex seal rivals in it’s hold on applicable surfaces.
Paper Weight: Is that pesky IRS agent knocking about your home and asking about your only fans? Leave this atop of your claimable receipts. There’s a non-zero chance they’ll not only leave, but you might get a new subscriber!
Improvised Weapon: Sometimes in the heat of passion you are glad to have a toy big enough to fight off a marauding band of ninjas. Look it’s 2020, it’s entirely possible the foot clan could scale your windows and decide to attack in the middle of the night. If you’re a practical person with a mind towards self defense, I’ve no doubt that the Big Bad Wolf (But With A Mind Towards Your Consent) will come in handy. Buy two and turn them into nutchucks. Warriors will speak in hushed tones of the nude master that defeated the shogunate with a wolf’s virility. Practice enough and you very well could toss it, giving someone a concussion from 30 yards. While the law expressly forbids brass knuckles in all 50 states, it doesn’t say a thing about “Alpha Wolf Dick”. Just remember to get your concealed carry if you’re going to sheath the unsheathed might of this thing down your pants.
Prop: Okay, so for the boring one I actually did. Fantasy toys give you the ability to please your partner (or just yourself) in a way you otherwise couldn’t. Toys in the bedroom are totally normal, and I encourage you to try them with each other. And I’m not gonna lie, the bulge this thing gave in my wranglers looked fucking great. From a prop standpoint, this thing wasn’t so heavy it was uncomfortable to walk with. Likewise, slick with lube and in the right lighting? The effect can be fantastic. It damn near looks realistic!
While this toy couldn’t get it’s full use with me, I would like to give an enormous thank you to the deviant that went along with the joke. You made quite a few people happy, and I’ll be mailing the toy to you as soon as I can make my way to the post office. The wolf dick is soft enough to be pleasurable to someone out there-uh, just not me. But it was a FUN prop, and I’m totally open to doing more themed shoots if someone’s interested.
So.
Why do things like this exist?
Everyone’s Someone’s Monster
I’m no stranger to teratophilia, or as it’s more commonly called “monster fucking”. I mean, I’ve both made content for the fetish, and one of my friends has a super awesome podcast about it. I think what’s more uncommon for me to think about is when the change from screaming to creaming about monsters happened.
Monster fucking isn’t exactly a new thing, as any fan of folklore can attest. Almost every mythos is packed to the hilt with people fucking monsters, demons, angels and gods. Even in the modern sense, monster fucking has existed through the sci fi and horror communities for ages. Sometimes with really, really horrible results. For every zombie that’s a metaphor for PTSD, there’s It Follows. Hell, there’s a running trope that monsters kill sexually active people first. There’s been a palpable shift in that though-we’re humanizing and empathizing with the beasts that use to terrify us. The wolf in the woods isn’t scarier than anything on the evening news.
The funny thing is, it’s not just from kink content creators. Monster fucking has gone mainstream in the post Twilight world. Just the last few years, we’ve had Monster Prom, Lucifer, Monster Monsume and much more. Haha gee it’s almost like when people are systematically denied viable representation in media we say “fuck it” and make our own, eh? Nah, that couldn’t be it.
Could it?
I actually reached out to the Fuck Humans discord for their thoughts, and got some excellent feedback. I’d like to feature a few of those answers here.
Trauma: Sometimes humans aren’t kind. In a real way, the result of trauma can lead to us identifying more with the monster, and using monsters as a template for working through our issues in a safe, constructive and healthy way. Normalizing monsters in a positive way normalizes us, and can lead to healing we might otherwise not have.
Empathy: Similar to the above, depending on sexuality and gender identity people may be more comfortable with non-human forms. Monsters offer a variety we may be unable to find in life.
Fantasy: The obvious and biggest reason is simple wish fulfillment. For all the same reason I got a few “warm” messages after I posted those pics, people react similarly to erotica featuring monsters. Maybe you want to be overpowered in a safe way, or are seeking sensation you can’t obtain in meat space. Regardless, monsters give us the ability to put a face on these desires.
And fuck them.
Hard.
Teratophilia and all it’s acoutremon are, as many kinks, a safe, viable path to expressing ourselves and sexuality. I firmly believe the recent embrace of all things that go bump in the night has happened in part due to dialogues about sexuality and LGBT+ issues entering the collective conversation at every level. What used to be “scary” to mainstream, often cis-het audiences has become commonplace and welcome.
That’s a good thing.
That’s a very, very good thing.
I’d like to close this out by saying regardless of what side of teratophilia you find yourself on-maybe the werewolf in denial, or the one they turn to in heats-you’re valid. You’re loved.
And yes, you too can ride the shlonga-donga wolf dick. I mean, I can’t, so someone has to.
-j