Making Porn In Your Bathroom
The sweat drips into my glasses for the second time in ten minutes.
My knee feels like it’s about to give, but I bend it just a little more. The shutter snaps, and I let out a heavy exhale as I uncurl my body. I pick up my phone and spot review the shot. There’s three more similar-but-slightly-different shots beside it, and for a minute I forget which I’m looking for. But I find it, and decide to keep it. I go ahead and delete the other two. They weren’t garbage, but out of the ones I snapped the last looked best.
So I resume the position and snap like, two more. Just to be sure.
All the while, I can hear my cats pawing at the door. Batcat, my big soft baby of a tom, has his eyes pressed level to the floor. He sees me and lets out a meow. I open the door and scratch his chin.
“Gimme like, another hour buddy. I’m okay, I’m okay,” I say to him. Talking to your pets is probably the first sign that you need to socialize more. But he, Selina and Luna are the closest thing to roomies I have. More to the point, they’re what I’m comfortable with now. There’s no awkward explanations of why I’m naked in front of a camera, sweating and swapping outfits like I’m an Instagram model.
Because I’m not. People tell me I’m handsome, but that’s still a hard one to swallow. Especially with another bead of sweat hitting my glasses as I pass the lights I’ve propped on my dresser again. Even more so as I carefully find angles that hide the rolls of my stomach, my man breasts. Minutes later, I’m adjusting my underwear because too much chub is in the shot. I’m not handsome, not like a lot in my field are. I’m no Johnny Sins or Tommy Pistol. Even their stage names are better, sheesh.
But here, in front of the camera? With a backdrop pinned across my closet door so it doesn’t look like I’m in a bathroom?
I kinda think I may be. Even if I’m the only one that believes it.
Today, I’d like to reveal why I returned to porn after nearly a decade away-and why it’s helping me be the best version of myself.
Self Acceptance Is Self Autonomy
I’ve never been shy about sharing my self confidence issues.
I’ve never truly liked my body. Friends have described this as dysmorphia, and I’m inclined to agree. It’s the closest “symptom” that matches what I feel, the closest thing to describe the alienation from my own flesh I feel during my worst depressive episodes. While there’s been a surge in body positivity across all media in recent years, it’s still through the lens of the “other” for me. It’s good, I’m glad it’s there-but it ain’t for me.
At thirty, I’m 220 pounds. Granted a lot of that is muscle, but still. My hair is going gray. I’ve excessive body hair. I’m a “bear”, I’m a “daddy”, but I give the mirror a single glance and those accolades are vaporized. I see a tired, prematurely aged fat man and nothing but. This image persists because of the contrast former ego fluffing provides. See, we’re all our own worst critics-because the lens of hindsight tells us we were better once. Be it that we actually were or only thought as much, there’s always the ghost of former freedoms and carefree days that haunts the here and now. We were hot once, right? Remember that?
Compound this with the hyper-focus of online culture, and hitting 30 feels like you should apply for social security. You’re already dead, both too old to be a part of the group yet too young for it to be creepy you’re there. So you exist at the fringe, a literal pane of glass separating you and the world. Trying styles and trends feels weird, awkward and cringy.
You’ve given up accepting yourself because so much of your identity has been stolen from you. Imperialism, capitalism and marketing gutted you before you even joined. Attempting to carve an identity for yourself from the scraps left over seems too monumental to even desire. Your mind, your soul and your body never really feel like they were yours to begin with.
So you chase those ghosts of the time before, because they’re all you have.
For all the talk of individualism and identity modern communication has allowed, it has by virtue of the medium brought with it gates, guards and elitism that are counterintuitive to the very thing they proclaim to tout. To be or not to be, we submit to the commodification of ourselves simply to hear the echoes of our own screams.
Yet there comes a time those vocal chords snap. There comes a moment where we step back, appalled that we have to argue over the reality of our own flesh. We take breaks from twitter, IG, Facebook and others. It’s like the first full-lung gasp of oxygen for the drowning. When we return, we’re unsettled over the in-fighting that feels so alien now.
Seizing our own autonomy in a world that denies us that is the last truly “punk rock” thing we can do. Everyone does it a little differently. For me, that came in the form of porn. Strapping my camera to a phone stand in my bathroom and sweating under lights. To push away the ongoing narrative of how and why I should accept my body, and find that acceptance on my own terms.
I’m fat, old and gray.
But damn, I look pretty good with the right lighting.
Every shoot, it gets a little easier to say that.
It’s why I persist, even on the days my depression hits really hard. Even when I doubt myself. Even when someone pays me a compliment, and my first knee-jerk reaction is to hand wave it away. I persist despite that voice in the back of my head loudly denying it-because this time, it’s not trends dictating how I should feel about myself. It’s not some plastic looking person on Youtube, IG or Men’s Health.
It’s me. Flesh, blood and boners. The liberation shooting brings me is something none of them could ever accomplish.
Why Ethical Porn Is The Future (And We’re All Porn Stars)
“Ethical porn” sounds like a buzzword.
If you’re already trying to write off those that phrase, I can’t say I blame you. I sure as fuck did at first.
Then I realized I’d been crafting ethical porn and supporting it for years.
“Ethical Porn” is essentially porn without a middle man. It’s shot and produced by the star themselves, on their terms, and payment usually goes directly to them. There’s rarely a contract, and a skeleton crew involved if there’s one at all. By freeing itself of contracts, producers, industry standards and all the typical trappings ethical porn enables rather than confines the talent.
To put this in perspective, if you’ve ever commissioned me or tipped me because you enjoyed Splat Speaks, you’ve supported ethical porn. While audio erotica certainly isn’t unique, it’s so niche that finding a company willing to fund it would be a monumental task. Much more, doing so in a way that would be profitable to me personally. I most certainly wouldn’t have the freedom to produce my content as you all know it. Because of the support, I’ve also been able to branch out into many other things.
While there is pressure (I’m my own manager, advertising agency, talent, cinematographer, make up artist and stylist), ethical porn is the future of adult content.
The best part? Absolutely anyone can do it.
Regardless of your sex, race, gender identity or body type.
You can produce the kind of content you want, rather than what you’re contractually obligated to. You’re entitled to the value of your work. No one is going to turn you away for not fitting a biggotted archetype of what the studio is looking for. Ethical, in-house produced porn has enabled the LGBT community in the smartphone era to show and embrace all kinds of queer bodies. Minority women-specifically black women-don’t have to deal with studio heads subjecting them to racist humiliations. The longer time goes on? The more content producers you’re going to see seizing control from studios to create OnlyFans pages and more. Ethical porn breaks the tangling ongoing dialogue of how we should accept our bodies and sexuality by placing the frame of dialogue in the hands of the creator.
“I am me, and that’s a good way to be” is something I’ve found myself saying a lot more as I film lately. God. It feels so good, y’all.
Yes, I realize the irony of harking on social media only to turn around and say how it’s enabling people like myself. The “conversation”, the one that attempted to bind us with marketing, is completely changing though. The pace is slow, but it’s occurring across all media and culture. Not just in porn. By embracing that the stage is big enough for everyone, we’re witnessing a revolution in personal expression and identity. Every time you support a small streamer, that sub-thousand viewer youtube channel and that dumb fuck with a mic in North Carolina? You’re pushing people to experience their life (for content is nothing but an extension of that) in all the beautiful ways they desire to.
So.
With all that grandstanding out of the way, what now?
Hot Lights and Bed Sheets
Got a semi-decent smartphone?
Good. This will serve as your primary way of shooting your photos, editing them, and uploading. I recommend MEGA over other services, as they’re pro-NSFW content. You likewise can sell your content via folders with a key that only paying customers have access to.
You’re going to want a tripod of some sort. Yeah, that’ll work nicely.
Likewise, you’re going to want to go ahead and spring for at least one light. That one is pretty close to the one I picked up from Walmart.
You don’t need this shit, but proper lighting absolutely will make a difference. Tripods, self sticks and bluetooth shutter buttons just make things easier. It will reduce the shake of your frame while also freeing your hands. Because hey, you’re gonna need those to do things.
If you don’t have the cash to buy either of these right now, white paper works as an amazing improvised light reflector. You can totally tape your phone to a poll or something, though I don’t personally recommend it.
Backdrops don’t have to be anything fancy. This is what I use for my shoots. If you’ve a sheet that’s a solid color, that works as well. If you’re handy with video editing software, you likely know the value of a decent green screen. Spring for one of those if you’ve the skills to make it work. Otherwise, you don’t need it for starting out. Having physical locations and a basic idea for how to tidy them up will do just fine. When I shoot for my bedroom, I clean the place up and aim for a warmer lighting. I only bust out the backdrop when I’m shooting in my bathroom, and want to hide the fact my shower is to the direct right of the frame.
Payment platforms are ultimately up to you, but OnlyFans tends to be the most sex work friendly option at the moment. Keep in mind that any platform you go with can change their terms of service at literally any time, so you’re going to want as many redundant ways to get paid as possible. I personally have a patreon, a ko-fi, a cash-app, a paypal and an OnlyFans. Redundancy, redundancy, redundancy.
Beyond that?
Whatever kind of content you create is ultimately up to you. This is your stage now. But personally speaking?
Be the porn star you always wished was out there. Do it fearlessly, do it as sexy as you want.
Just remember to put the cats out of the room. They enjoy knocking over tripods.
-j