“You’re seriously into that?”
If I had a nickel for every time, y’all. I could probably buy a private island and fund anthro-human hybrid research at this point. I’m totally sure nothing bad would come of that at all. Even still, I sometimes find answering why I’m into kinks (especially new ones) rather difficult to answer. “I just am” might as well be silence. Rare is it people truly, honestly want details. Receiving this question places us, individually, in a weird spot. I mean, how often do you critically think about your own kinks? On an academic level, with your hands out of your pants?
Probably not that often, right? What’s more, explaining and identifying where a kink arose can be incredibly difficult. It makes “I just am”, the non-answer, the only plausible one-which can be incredibly embarrassing to tell other people.
Today, we’re going to take a moment and explain the evolution of kinks and their affects on us. Strap in and put on your reading glasses.
The Ember
Before we begin, we have to answer the most basic question: What is a kink?
In layman thinking, a “kink” is the typical vernacular we reach for to describe a “type” of sexualization or sexual activity we enjoy. A “kink” is similar (but not identical) to a fetish. Think of a kink as a “preference for”, and a fetish as “the only preference”. The degree by which a kink and a fetish vary is their intensity. Which is great for fetishes, as it gives them clear parameters to work in. Kinks lack those hard, firm lines and are far more nebulous. That’s before we get to the nitty-gritty of identifying a “kink” over simply having a “type”.
Yeah, I know. Modern vernacular is a confusing grab bag of fuck. So let’s describe it like this, with the understanding that all of this is open to interpretation and subject to change:
Weakest link: a preference for or an affinity for a certain thing sexually. In other words, “a type”. While this may be something you want, you don’t have to have it nor are you actively seeking it out.
Intermediate link: Stronger affinity or preference for a certain thing sexually. Given a choice with similar availability, you choose the option you prefer most. You will put forth effort to actively seek out your kink.
Strongest Link: You can not or will not orgasm without your preference. This is full-blown fetish territory, and there’s nothing necessarily wrong with that so long as you aren’t harming yourself or others.
As illustrated here, varying levels of passion or intensity can alter your behavior in pursuit of preferences. Those levels are affected by exposure, “new”-ness, availability and consumption.
Pretend you’re looking at a fire. The logs have been burning a while. While they’re glowing that pleasant orange, there’s no obvious flames or smoke. It’s enough to keep you warm. This is our first level, a preference for something. You enjoy it and it can suit your needs, but it isn’t a roaring open flame nor a “showy” thing.
What if you want to build that fire up? How do you turn those embers into something much larger?
The Open Flame
Interests, kinks and fetishes arise by repeated exposure to stimuli. This is a fancy way of saying finding things that turn you on and returning to them. “Stimuli” can be anything and everything. Porn, physical sensations, or something that affects you on a mental level. A personal example of this for me is being called “sir” over “master”. When acting in a dominant capacity, “sir” is my preferred term because “master” has really ugly connotations in the south. “Daddy” is just too weird to hear. “Sir” fits, and after being called that so many times, I have a psychological and physical reaction to it.
Meaning, every time you call me sir, my cock twitches and I start smirking. I instinctually posture my body in a way that I’m “bigger” than those that call me “sir”. Being called “sir” is a kink for me, as I absolutely don’t need it to orgasm. However, it’s more than a simple preference.
The relative “new-ness” of stimuli also absolutely has an affect. Simply put, we get excited by new things because we don’t understand them fully. “New-ness” wears off over time, but we experience it every time we find something that unexpectedly turns us on. A example of this would be looking for “mating press” or “big cock” stimuli, finding something that involves “breeding” or “monster fucking”, and feeling more aroused by these unexpected additions. The more “new” something is to you sexually, the more you’ll actively seek it to ride that first high of endorphins. Because of this, I highly recommend reading up on more extreme things and only practicing them with a partner that knows your limits and safe words.
Availability of stimuli can also determine how rapidly our “fire rises”. There’s no denying that in the post-smart phone era, availability is only a question of how much data is left on your plan. However, this isn’t uniform for every kink, interest or fetish. A lack of availability can directly lead to more desire. Similarly, an over abundance of it can directly lead to over stimulation (think aheago faces), or a diminished response to stimuli. Sometimes, what turns you on is the work it takes to get there. A great example of this would be being an exhibitionist who respects people’s boundaries and doesn’t want to get arrested.
These aspects for a spearhead for consumption, or the act of absorbing stimuli. If a stimuli is new and easy to get ahold of, you’re going to expose yourself to it a lot at first. That can and will naturally change as the “shine” wears off. Your consumption of a stimuli can be an indicator of preference, a kink or a fetish. Do you find yourself constantly going back to stimuli even after it’s not “new” and exciting? You might have a kink. Can you literally not cum without consuming your stimuli? That’s probably a fetish.
The Bonfire
Even having explained the nuts and bolts of these interactions, we’re still left with that annoying question. The “why” of what turns us on.
There’s dozens of psychological journals, interviews, studies and more I could link here. Were I a sex therapist, I’m sure I could paint a fancy, beautiful reason you’re attracted to feet or cat girls. Unfortunately, I’m just a bone headed showman-but that does offer me a very unique perspective into attraction I’d love to share.
Are you ready?
It just does.
You owe no one an explanation for what turns you on and why. Even understanding how preferences, kinks and fetishes work. You owe absolutely no one anything for prying into your head and heart like that. Do you have to understand it individually? Abso-fucking-lutely not.
But.
Were I to take a guess.
Your kinks are a part of your identity at some level. Maybe it’s the most base, or the most overt. But they’re still one of the many facets of what makes you. They’re just as valid and important as the rest. Understanding them fully takes understanding yourself fully.
You have your entire life to figure that one out.
For every person there’s a preference, kink or fetish that may be wholly unique to them. That’s totally okay. If you’re lucky enough to find someone that shares your kinks or fetishes, you’ll likely find that why they enjoy it is different from you. That’s also okay. There’s nothing wrong with the things you enjoy. There’s nothing wrong with you.
Have a great one deviants.
-j