Welcome to Jack’s Sack, our sex toy review series. Miss the previous entry? You can read it here. Today, we’re tackling a first for both this series and myself-cock pumps. Let’s begin.
Rumors Go Long
I’ve yet to meet someone totally satisfied with their dick.
Maybe it’s girth, maybe it’s length. But even the most secure will shyly admit “yeah, I’d like a little more”. There’s an entire cottage industry devoted to this very concept. Endless pills, devices, forums, “stretching methods” and so much more. What IG models and the beauty industry are for the femme image, the fitness industry and “men’s health” is to those of us with cocks.
I’m going to go ahead and state this right now: Hey, you. Yes you reading this. There’s nothing wrong with your dick. Your dick is fucking grand and beautiful as it is. All this shit you’re told is going to work, all these pills and devices preying upon your individual insecurities? It’s all bullshit to separate you from your money. Really.
However, some of those things can help in different ways. If you’ve got trouble getting it up, there’s absolutely zero shame in getting Viagra/an alternative (just like, talk with your doctor first). Shaving your pubes, changing your underwear and more can aid in comfort levels, and thus self confidence. I certainly feel a lot sexier shooting pics in a jock than my baggy-ass Hanes. When we get to devices such as pumps and more, they absolutely have an application.
Just not the kind you think.
Let’s roll back to High-school level sex ed for a minute and let me explain.
So Basically, You’re a Balloon
Cocks can take a lot of jostling, bouncing and overall abuse primarily because of the elasticity of the organ. As getting hard literally involves your dick getting engorged with blood, it has to have some give. Cock pumps and several other products operate on this principle. Yes, they can make you appear bigger. But only temporarily.
The reason for that is (again) the elastic nature of your penis. Think of filling a balloon up, and then letting the air out. Your dick is the balloon. It can stretch, it can fill, but when it isn’t engorged it will return to its normal shape. Quite seriously, it’s to protect your dick. I mean, can you imagine if you were flopping all over the place jogging? Bike riding? Joining a pick-up game at the court with the boys? My gods, we’d all be human windmills. Cod pieces would come back in vogue.
Going back to cock pumps, these devices work with that concept and vacuum pressure to stretch your cock and allow blood flow through greater surface area. As such, it allows the temporary appearance and idea of making your cock “bigger”. Because of this, many people tend to repeatedly use cock pumps with the misconception they are “working”.
They are. For fifteen to twenty minutes at a time. Oh yeah, you’re probably not going to get hard either.
That last part probably caused some whiplash, so let’s go back to that balloon metaphor. Have you ever stretched a balloon out before filling it with air? Most people do. It adds “give” and allows balloons more air, as you’re effectively thinning the rubber to allow more possible surface area. Pumps do the same exact thing with your dick, but add nothing to blood flow. It’s jumpstarting a boner without the most vital part.
If you’ve ever been watching porn and saw people with massive cocks that just flopped around? Yeah. They used a pump.
With all of this said, let’s get to my experience with the one that arrived in the mail.
Big Knotty Werewolf Boyfriend
Okay.
So I’m going to be totally honest.
I was fucking intimidated.
The pump in question was this one by Fondlove, with a product title yet again too long to list here. It came in a massive carepackage with many other things. Huge thank you to the extremely generous deviant who sent that. The box for the pump was about 13 inches. When I pulled it out, all I could do was laugh from shock. I knew pumps were bigger devices, but I wasn’t expecting this.
I’ve tested several other products by Fondlove over the course of this series. As with others, the pump in question was professionally packaged and sealed. Inside was a clear plastic tube, a sleeve to press myself into, the air pump itself, a charging cable and a handy mesh bag. I was actually very happy to see that mesh bag. While a minor detail, many of my readers don’t live alone and can’t exactly have their toys on display. Bags, boxes and more as throw-ins are always welcome.
Assembling the pump was super easy. The pump clicked over the appropriate end easily enough, and inserting the sleeve took seconds. However, if you’re to buy this (or any pump), back sure both ends are secure. The air pump itself typically caps over a rubber O-ring. If the pump uses a sleeve, make sure it’s secure over the “lip” of the tube itself. If these aren’t secure, air will escape and the pump will not work as intended. Likewise, be sure to check your pump for defects in the air tight seals before use. Your pump, when assembled, shouldn’t “wobble” at either end.
The air pump had three buttons: Activation (with three different modes), power and release. I read through the instructions, and felt myself go pale at the words “IN THE CASE OF EXTREME PRESSURE, HIT RELEASE VALVE IMMEDIATELY”.
Was my balloon gonna friggin’ pop?!
However, fearing nothing but death itself and being forgotten, I thrust forward with bravery. The sleeve was extremely tight for this (to prevent air escaping), and I had to pour the lube in a drop at a time. I gave myself a few strokes, just enough to get firm. I pressed myself within the sleeve. I had to go an inch at a time, “breaking” an already very tight hole in.
It was only going to get tighter.
I hit the power, and steeled myself as the pump whirred to life.
What shocked me the most about the experience was how fast the device went to work. The sleeve itself clamped itself along my cock right away. I watched as it-and my dick-got dragged towards the pump. In all this marveling at technology however, something became readily apparent:
Ohhhhh okay that’s too much. I hit the power button, which paused the pump. While the sensation wasn’t unpleasant, it was just a hair too much for me. I hit the release valve, and the pump gave a sigh as the sleeve and I returned to our mostly normal shape. I activated the pump once more, paying much closer attention to my body. When I got on the verge of being uncomfortable, I paused the pump once more. I gripped the tube and gave it a tug-everything was snuggly inside. Even my own bucking couldn’t free me.
Now, the nature of pumps, like all products associated with “getting big”, is purely a psychological one. The sleeve for this was see-through, as were the walls of the tube. I certainly looked massive, but the second I hit the release valve I was back to normal. I had already thought of writing this review up describing this as a “blow job machine”. Then I pulled out.
My cock smacked against my thigh, a fleshy red club that almost hit the top of my kneecap. To say that I was perhaps shocked is a gross understatement. I’m not small by any means-but my body just doesn’t do that. I twisted my hips, jaw dropping as it smacked big and useless all over the place. This was real, physical results.
But I wasn’t saluting the day anymore.
I pressed myself back in the pump, and freely experimented for the next half hour in front of a camera. The results were impressive. Once I got so massive I couldn’t even free myself from the pump. I laughed, I snapped pics, and then I laughed more as I tried to shove myself back in my underwear.
Twenty minutes later, I was totally back to normal. Overall, it was a pleasing (if initially worrisome experience), and I fully intend on using the device to aid in future bulge centric shoots for clients.
Smoke and Mirrors
Pumps, pills, dick stretches and more aren’t going to make you bigger. Sure, there’s surgery-but if you’re like me, I already got snipped once. That ain’t happening again. However, nothing is without application. If you’re looking to get big, take a moment and ask yourself what best will apply to what you need, and if you actually need these devices at all. The pump, for me, will directly aid what I do here at Splathouse. Not everyone needs a pump however. That said, there’s nothing stopping you from buying one for personal enjoyment, which is always a valid reason to do anything.
Take care deviants. Once again, massive thank you to the deviant that sent me the care package. Remind me to twirl for you at some point.