Welcome back to Jack’s Sack, our toy review series. Miss the last entry? You can read it here. With March finally bringing the sunshine back to NC, my thoughts have turned to plowing. Nothing quite beats planting your seed deeply. There’s something to be said for getting your hands sticky and dirty.
Seeded Deep
Okay, veggie puns aside? Spring is my favorite season in NC. I can go outside again! Everything is in bloom and my head swells with pollen! More on point however, a change begins to come over me. The flowers break free of their buds, and I from my seasonal depression. My libido comes roaring back with a vengeance. And lo, I’ve the motivation to bust out my camera unclothed again.
All of this is of course aided by the lot of you. Without your constant influx of support, I wouldn’t be tempted to be so horny on main. Finding something on my doorstep for this series? It’s always the tipping point. Such a simple thing, really. Almost like I’m asking permission to enjoy myself.
The Doc Johnson Ultraskyn stroker, likewise, is incredibly simple. It’s a supple, hour-glass shaped toy. You can push the entire way through. It features two different sensations. Rings on the wide end, studs on the narrow end. I’ve used other toys like it-but where this one differs radically from those is build quality. The ultraskyn is built to take a pounding. Composed of thick rubber, it’s inner features won’t wear away or “grow too soft” like with some of the more complex tengas. Since it’s inherently “thicker” than others, cracking, ripping and breaking isn’t a huge concern.
From a build quality standpoint? I really, honestly wish a lot more of my toys were like this. I’m not especially “rough” with things, but as I’ve a girthy cock and-ahem-tend to fuck like I’m going to war, I’ve had issues with toys stretching, tearing and more. Even with proper care, it can happen to the best of them. My options are either to fuck gently, or not at all. Neither are even a remote consideration for me.
The inner features, simple as they are, work perfectly. The rings clung to my girth as I bucked, with the narrow studded end perfect for glans play. If I squeezed the wide base while bucking into the narrow end of the toy, it felt incredibly close to a blow job. I’m not ashamed to admit I probably mimicked every face on the worst aheago hoodie you’ve seen. I am however just ashamed enough to not picture those here.
What surprised and thrilled me the most was again due to the inherent simplicity of the toy. With push-through toys, clean up is super easy. You wash the outside, then flip them inside out to get the “guts”. When I did so with the ultra skyn, I actually paused. The innards almost perfectly resembled those fantasy sheaths you see elsewhere. With a bit of work, I could easily see this used for that kind of play. Just uh-go slow. Sheathing your cock like that makes it extra thick.
Likewise, as I was rolling up the base, I found myself pausing again. I won’t say precisely what the ultraskyn resembled, save that if you’re a fan of “doughnuts” it’s perfect. And yes, I tested it. With the walls of the toy doubled over, it gives an incredibly tight, smooth experience that will utterly milk whatever stud is in the barn that day.
From a practical standpoint, the Doc Johnson Ultraskyn is a perfect entry level stroker. It’s “standard” features are all delightful, with enough room for any kind of cock. At fifteen dollars, it’s also one of the more durable toys on the market. However-sex is so much more than just the practical, isn’t it?
Theatrical Farmboys
Much like the squash you planted, my cock springs anew with the hopes of entertaining all of you. The ultraskyn, shaped the way it was and shaped a lovely purple, had my gears turning right away. Because why do anything half way? Who says porn can’t be fun?
Lame people who probably fuck with their clothes on. That’s who.
I was bouncing it from hand to hand and thinking when it hit me. An eggplant. Oh my god it’s an eggplant and my cock goes in it. I’m a living emoji, holy shi-
This got me thinking about the rather “normal” way in which people tend to use veggies as impromptu masturbation aids. Like, we’ve all seen the videos. Or pics at least. But how common is the practice, really? Is every farmboy out there just waiting for pumpkin season for some thicc gourds?
Apparently, it’s called “organic masturbation”. If you’re tempted to give it a shot, the farm is lonely or you’re just curious? I highly recommend giving this article a read. The tips are absolutely invaluable and shared with a side of sass that had me smiling. This other article likewise has tips for specific fruits and veggies. Neither answer how truly common the practice is though. Searching around, there seems to be this odd gap in discussion when it comes to improvised sex toys. The planet is friggin’ burning, man! I wanna nut and recycle!
So, I’d like to do something I rarely do with these reviews:
I’m giving you homework.
If you have ever used a fruit, veggie etc. for masturbation and would like to share your experience, please contact me at any of the spots below. All communication will be kept totally and completely private.
If Splathouse achieves absolutely nothing else, it’s my personal hope that we can normalize discussions and fill these constant gaps I see in sexual health education. If it takes me bustin’ open an eggplant with my cucumber to make it happen, so be it.
Huge thank you to the deviant that sent the eggplant in, and all who will share their experiences. It means so much, and as I’ve said countless times-I have fun doing this. I have fun because you all smile right along with me.
Get to work, deviants!