Jack’s Sack: Don’t Sue Me, Nintendo
Welcome back to Jack’s Sack, our sex toy review series. Miss the last entry? You can catch it here. Today’s entry is a bit of a mixed bag-we’re going to talk about a particular kink, and review the experience. Buckle up. This one’s gonna get wavey.
Of Deeds And Living
Do you ever look back over your life?
Is it through a lens of nostalgic bliss, or does it beckon questions? Has the thought ever occurred to you that all you do online-the good, the ill-will be preserved in such a way that it outlives your mortal being? Perhaps even the planet itself? As I age, I find myself giving the occasional glance to my rearview mirror. Am I a good man?A kind man?
None will speak for me save the posts I make, and those that witnessed them. Though, if asked candidly what I think of my own life? I’d like to think I served the role of a jester quite well. I was born to entertain, and should I die upon the stage it’s my hope all recall my greatest tricks. A showman is a showman until the very end, RIP.
That line there, it influences so much of what I do here and elsewhere. I hope not to be average-but grand. The envelope exists to be pushed, and I do so with a snicker. Even when the way forward grows so crooked and strange. Even when I’m unsure of the result.
Even when it means nutting directly into the face of someone’s waifu.
Don’t get me wrong-I make porn, it comes with the territory. Nutting on and in people’s wives is old hat around here. But rare is the occasion when the wives themselves have nary a stitch of physical being. Uncommon are the quiet moments when I whisper into the void, “My dick hard, what dew?”
Being pansexual, answering that query proves far more difficult than one would believe. Sometimes I want men, or women. Often I want both at the same time, and en masse. Cock, cunt, breasts and the curvature of a nice ass have done more for my spirituality and sexuality than a single day in church. The gods are good, and they’re in us. But the gods can also be cruel, and twist our desires in such a fashion that they can only be satiated by a facsimile.
You’ve seen those that marry roller coasters, and forklifts. Perhaps you laughed at those saying they married ghosts. But today, as I look back over my weekend, I’d like to say I get it. Through the light of the rearview comes not nostalgia or despair, but understanding.
For I too know the desire to nut, but upon non-sentient and non-real. I know the churn of desire in the heart of men who keep an army of sex dolls. That lady who married a roller coaster? I hope she and her partner are forever happy. As with all things I joke about-as is the norm with jesters-my attempts at comedy became reality. One in which I was ever so proud to have proper cleaning supplies.
I’m so sorry Urbosa, but your smile was so very, very smug.
Macro, Micro, And The Psychology of Big
Know what’s really hot?
Watching people just absolutely fuck the shit out of a sex toy. I don’t care if it’s a fleshlight, or a full on animatronic sex doll. Watching someone enjoy their bodies with abandon, on their terms? Fuck. Some of the biggest loads I’ve ever seen have come from guys milking their dicks to plastic. It’s really fucking hot, but like all kinks comes with it’s individualized sub-cultures.
When I first began writing this series? I reviewed tenga products primarily because of their alleged quality. And believe me, I’ve had a blast. As time has gone on though, I’ve come to realize my tastes have changed. This sci-fi discrete nature of the tengas is fantastic-but sometimes, I need something closer to “real”. The toy I have found myself going back to most frequently is the weird mouth-pussy thing I reviewed. Is it the real thing? No, but when I’m hard and burying my cock past those lips, it’s just close enough that I don’t care. Warmed in water and lubed up? I doubt if you closed your eyes you would notice it’s not a real cunt.
For me, looking down and seeing my thumb roll along those lips as I pinch the nose and shove in? That’s what does it for me. Not the sensation of the toy, but the psychological association of seeing the toy. I can think of anyone I want fucking that thing, and it absolutely aids in orgasming. I’m not alone either. Just check the sex toys available on amazon. Look at how hyper realistic dildos have gotten in the last few years. As technology has advanced, the line between our individual fantasies and reality has become limited only by available funds. Wanna fuck a monster? That’s a google search away. A copy of your partner’s genitals? Likewise.
However, even as vast and accommodating as the market is, there’s still gaps. You can’t fuck everything and anything you want-but you can get close. In the niches of sextoys lies several different communities that can aid you-including ball jointed dolls, and those that nut on anime girls. And I know, I know. You’re probably saying “BUT JACK, WOULDN’T YOUR DICK BE TOO BIG FOR THOSE? GOD IF YOU NUTTED ON THEM, IT WOULD UTTERLY COAT THEM!”
Yes.
Yes it would.
That’s the point.
Just like fucking the realistic sex toys? There’s a strange primal satisfaction in bustin’ all over a doll that’s roughly the length of your dick. There’s a tremendous and smug joy that comes with watching their stomachs bulge, or seeing your load just drip from every inch of them. Were I to sum it with tags, it would absolutely fall into the “macro/micro” fetish category. However, it’s not just that. The dolls themselves regardless of size fill the role of a facsimile, and that in of itself makes them perfect, totally unconventional sex toys.
Which leads me to Amiibos.
It goes unsaid that Nintendo, either purposefully or not, has some roughly sexualized characters. The newest Pokemon release saw porn of several of the gym leaders literal months before the release. There’s the omnipresent Wii Fit Trainer, whose SFM model has probably never been used for fitness. Hex Maniac, Zelda, Midna, Samus and more-there’s probably at least one person you know that’s masturbated to them. And that’s before we get to the guys.
Oh, by the way? It’s you. You’re the person fappin’ to nintendo.
Nintendo themselves will never outright admit to as much. Of course not. They’re a family company that makes family games. But that hasn’t kept them from clamping down on NSFW depictions of their characters. Nintendo likes to keep their marketing as squeaky clean and on-brand as possible. The very products they themselves push reflect as much. There are hundreds of Amiibos. Sometimes multiple ones of your favorite characters. Often more than not, they’re posed in some iconic fashion. Wii Fit Trainer, for example, is stretching. Princess Peach is being cute. Bayonetta is just bustin’ it wide open like a bad bitch. You get the idea. Amiibos are priced and produced in a quantity and quality to move. They’re not bad for what they are.
They’re also a reasonably priced way to live out a fantasy that’s gone unfulfilled in the back of your head.
While I’m not holding out my breath for a Hex Maniac statue or Amiibo, I did find satisfaction in adding a few of my favorite girls to my wish list. I did so partially as a joke-one based in the awareness of what Pornhub rabbit holes bring. I wouldn’t say I was surprised when a deviant purchased Urbosa from Breath of the Wild for me. Rather, now I had to follow through on the joke. A showman is always a showman, after all. And I’m never one to back down on what I put into writing.
Urbosa arrived at my door, and for a full day I didn’t even take her out of the box. I sat her atop my bookshelf, and would glance at her in passing. Could I do this? Would I do this? The answer was “yes” in both cases, but as the amiibo itself wasn’t sexualized? I couldn’t just tug it to Urbosa alone. I’d need some porn, some raw horny energy,and a good dose of mind games. The weekend came, and I didn’t.
Not until Sunday anyways.
I took Urbosa out of the box, and sat her on my bathroom counter. The sculpt, the paint job and more was all actually really great. I’ve got to hand it to Nintendo-they do an amazing job with their branded products. I picked her up, and turned her over in my hands. My fingers trailed over the sharp V of her hips, and the texture of her bust. I turned the figure to face me-and that’s when it happened.
Maybe it was thinking about touching those hips on a larger scale. Or the fact I hadn’t came in a few days, and was pent up. But what really did it for me?
Her smug smile.
Something about it flicked a switch in my brain, and suddenly nutting all over her face was no longer an issue. I sat her back down, my cock twitching to life as I tugged my boxers down. It smacked against my stomach with a turgidity I’d not felt since I was a teen. I grabbed some lube, and got nice and slick.
That’s when I noticed it.
The head of my dick was as big as her entire fucking upper body.
I’m a man of many shades, many facets. But chief among them?
Being a fucking deviant. Seeing my cock loom seemingly massive before her smile?
Well.
The pics turned out really great.
And, uh. Well.
There’s quite a few more statues on my wish list now.
The Unsaid, The Unknown, And the Unconventional
Nutting on dolls, amiibos, and more?
Yeah, it’s not the “normal” kind of sex toy. But when you think about it? Sex toys themselves go against the grain. Be it the sci-fi stylings of Tenga or the weirder ones, the toy itself doesn’t matter-rather, it’s how it fulfills your individual needs that does. Wanna nut all over a Nintendo princess? Ain’t nothing stopping you but you. It’s 2019 y’all, and in a year where fighting for individual freedom and identity has reached a fever pitch, ain’t a soul giving a damn you’re nutting on whatever wherever. Do ya’ thing and enjoy life. Make that rearview glance one you smile about.
Oh, by the way.
You can clean them with warm water and hand wipes.
-J
Wanna keep Jack’s Sack going and get some pics? Buy something off my wishlist!