Good morning everyone, and welcome back to Jack’s Sack. Did you miss the last entry? You can read it here. Today, we’re going to talk about some cock rings that managed to hold me. Let’s go.
Of The Titanic And Icebergs
One of the weird laws of the universe actually applies perfectly to dicks. Objects in motion tend to stay that way until they’re disrupted. In my case, the last time I had a cock ring anywhere near my dick things didn’t go so well. I didn’t snap just one, but two. And with a pretty fucking mediocre dick at that!
However, the feel of the cock rings pre-snap felt pretty great. I loved the way they kept me hard, and the extra sensation they provided. While I normally get pretty intense erections, nothing compared to the bated breath of my baiting in a ring. I really enjoyed it, and was eager to seek something a bit more sturdy.
Let me say right now: looking for shit to put on your dick on Amazon is a god damned crapshoot. Either you venture too far and encounter shady bootleg sellers, or somehow, some way you wind up in the marine gear. I mean, I get it-I see the overlap of necessity between BDSM and needing carabiners that don’t pop, but come on. How’s a dude to get a cock ring with all this junk?!?
So, I enlisted the most capable person I knew-Jaz, the incredibly hot internet succubus. I highly recommend giving her a follow. Jaz sent me an entire list of things back, but two caught my eye right away. I added them to the wishlist, and just a few days later someone bought ‘em.
I decided to combine this review for both this cock ring and this one. One’s great for solo play, and the other is best shared with a partner. They’re both from chinese distributors and are available through a pretty wide variety of sellers on Amazon. Both were more sturdy than my previous rings, and were able to withstand even heavy pounding.
Let’s begin.
Off Brand Doesn’t Mean Trash
When it comes to sex toys, we tend to think of them in terms of “big” names. Rabbit. Bad Dragon. Adam and Eve. But the thing is, there are hundreds of companies producing sex toys right now. Cost of materials is relatively cheap with a high profit margin. I can’t say I blame anyone for jumping in. But if you asked me point blank if I knew about PHANXY, I probably would have assumed you missaid “BANKSY”.
The Phanxy cock ring has one of the worst product headers I’ve ever seen. Yet when the box arrived, I was kinda impressed. For an off brand company, it came in an official looking textured cardboard box. Inside was my cock ring, sealed in a bag with an insert about PHANXY’s social media influencer options. As absolutely no one in the known universe should have to suffer through the hideous sight of my genitals except me, I tossed the slip away and pulled out the ring.
Right away, I could tell this was a higher quality than my last rings. The rubber feels more akin to something you would find on rubberized pistol grips…What? It’s the closest analogy I could think of. It’s also a few millimeters thicker, and didn’t seem to have a single weak point or tear in the entire thing. There’s two loops-one for your balls, and one for your cock. You still put it on flaccid, which I did. As the phanxy was thicker and wider than what I last tested, there were a few brief moments of finding the “right spot” where I wasn’t uncomfortable in it.
Also, I highly recommend shaving before you use rubber cock rings of any kind. Trust me. Be better than I was.
I ended up being really surprised at how comfy the Phanxy was. So much that I entire forgot I had it on as I worked out, went to work, etc. That is, right up until I got hard.
Then I knew.
So did anyone in a ten foot radius around me.
To say that my dick was turgid as a flag pole would be an understatement. My dick wasn’t just hard. It was, as another observer stated, “Red, thick and angry looking”. The Phanxy took my dick and turned it into some crazed breeder’s nightmare. I sat there, watching the monster I had made throb it’s demands from between my legs.
So I started to tug. Which turned into edging. Which turned into me slumped over in my chair, mind awash in endorphins as my fat dick dripped to the floor.
For the price point, the Phanxy is great for solo play, and super affordable. It’s also durable enough to wear repeatedly, even in non-lewd activities. If I have any complaints? It’s a bit snug until you stretch it out a bit, as all rubber toys are. I had fun with it.
And so did my partner with our other toy.
Bat dick! NANANANANANA!
If you’ve ever asked yourself “Gee, does billionaire playboy Bruce Wayne (™), also known as That Guy With The Bat Fetish (™) have bat brand sex toys?”, then I’ve got good news!
Do you think Lucious Fox was finally done when Bruce turned this design in? Did he just pack his shit and leave? I mean, making combat armor for a dangerously unhinged billionaire was fine. But like, when Bruce wanted a bat on his dick Lucious finally had enough? Did he sing “fuck this shit I’m out”? The more I look at this cock ring the more I earnestly feel for the poor guy. Regardless, Mr. Fox stuck around long enough to not only design it-but sell it to a sex toy company. Gah, Bruce must be furious.
It was a dark and stormy night when the Bat(™) brand Batcock(™) made its way to my door. And gods, did I have a struggle with it. There was this really cryptic riddle on the box, and this god damn clown that kept asking me why I was the serious one. I just grabbed my shit off the porch and went back inside. Dealing with that fanfic-tier cosplay is a bit above my paygrade at the site. Regardless, the Bat cock ring came in a very simple box slightly bigger than it. It had a picture of what it was right on the front, with Be her Batman! In flowing script.
So naturally I turned to my partner, who was half asleep on the couch at the time, and yelled “JOKER!” at the top of my lungs in my most grave voice. Witch (yes, that’s their nickname) immediately rose, and tossed a pillow at me. I tossed the cock ring at them. They wiped the sleep from their eyes, and focused on the box.
“Okay, what the fuck?”
“You feel like getting saved from an acid pit?” I said, giving them my sauciest eye wiggle.
They looked up at me, snorted, and tossed the box back.
“Apparently it’s got a vibe on it? Is your dick gonna jiggle all over the place?”
“I mean,” I said, “Depends, are you into that?”
Witch rolled their eyes, stretched, and demanded food. Which I naturally obliged. Laying in bed later, holding each other in the cold Carolina night, I felt them grip my thigh.
“Mista J?” they said, their Tara Strong impression so on-point it awoke Saturday morning cartoon memories. I blinked, looked over at them and laughed.
“Seriously? It’s like, 1 am?” I said.
“Awwww, don’tcha just wanna rev your harley?” they said. Their giggle brought the (thankful) return of their normal voice.
“I mean, I don’t know how great it will feel? But I wanna see you in it at least. Can we do that?”
“I’ll do any fucking thing you want dear. You know that,” I said. I got out of bed with a groan, and snapped myself into the ring. Witch got up and turned on the lights. I started laughing uncontrollably-it was just too funny to look at.
“Oh god, let me see,” said Witch. I turned around, and struck a pose.
“I AM THE NIGHT!”
“HAH! God, you fucking dork. Is that pill looking thing the vibe? Do you just click it?” They said.
I shrugged my shoulders, and they came forward. Their hand gripped the pill, and squeezed. It whirred to life, and I immediately felt my face go red.
“Well fuck, that’s a new sensation,” I said.
Witch snorted-but didn’t glance away from my cock.
“Good or-oh, so it is a good feeling then?”
It took me a second to look down. But when I did?
…I mean.
Good to know all my jokes about having a robot dick with a toggle switch are kinda halfway already true. Witch and I decided not to waste the opportunity-and a good time was had by all.
The Bat cock ring is made out of the same material as the Phanyx, just in a more compact shape. The vibe was a nice feature, but I question how long the batteries will last. That said, it was nice being able to have a toy my partner and I both could have some fun with. At that price? It’s worth it.
In conclusion, I’m so fucking happy I found some cock rings I can wear. Casually. Out in public.
…What?
Whataya mean, you’re not kinky beneath your clothes? What are you then?! NAKED?!?
KoFi (All tips going towards server fees until January!)
Wanna see my cock or maybe keep this series going? Buy something off my wishlist!