Splathouse Cosmology: The Council (Public Release)

Originally published on patreon.

Oh shit, I did say I’d write another of these didn’t I? Hey, to be fair, I said it would be when I got around to it. Which is now apparently as insomnia strikes me again tonight. 

Welcome back to Splathouse Cosmology, where I attempt (again, infrequently!) to explain some of the ongoing lore surrounding this rather lengthy narrative in a more digestible form. If you missed our last entry, you can catch it in the collection here. 

This time, I thought it was pertinent to both explain The Council (RIP) and explain why they’ve been disbanded and (in some cases literally) buried. Let’s go. 

In The Void, The Lady Was Lonely…

During Heavenfall, the acts are broken up by Gospels spoken by none other than Micheal the archangel of War himself. The purpose for this was twofold: One, to flesh out Micheal and his motivations for doing things a lot more. But also to give weight and merit to an idea that had felt toothless for a while. The Council of Wizards was a longstanding idea I’d had, and had attempted to implement the year before when Baphomet approached Jack in “Jack’s Birthday Burning”. But why have a council at all? Why should I-someone who has vocally spoken about being an anarchist-institute any form of government, tribunal or authoritarian body in my fiction? 

Let’s start with the hard, real, world-of-meat reality reasons: 

I needed and wanted the world to be bigger than just the office. Introducing Jenazebelle into the lore helped, but the boys more or less hadn’t left the office unless it was for comedic purposes (Notably, Jack gets tossed through a window at an unnamed bar and drunkenly yells at the owner). There’s constant mentions of things beyond the office-going out for beer, getting pizza-but the boys never leave. I wanted to give them a legitimate reason-and that meant expanding my scope for the narrative beyond this dilapidated farmhouse in the middle of nowhere. It meant helping Jack realize he wasn’t the only one gifted in the craft.

There’s entire years of Splathouse Audio where it’s two guys in a room with a recording booth, just taking requests from the audience and haphazardly slapping something together. It’s fun, it’s goofy, vibrant and silly. A few of those audios still have my absolute best, queerest lines in them. But as the scope of SH itself grew for me, so too did what I wanted for the boys. If the council accomplished absolutely nothing else as a narrative device except freeing them from that room, then I can say with full faith I’m glad I did it and I have no regrets.

Likewise in a very western american-brain rot way, it was the next logical step in “what does the spinning gears of this world look like”. Growing up in the rural south, we had the phrase “god and country” drilled into us every single day of our lives. At school, at boy scouts (Surprise! I was a great boy scout!), at church and more. But always in that cadence. God first, country second, and boy howdy you better not question either of them. If The Lady was first, the world she made would need people in charge of it second.

In no way, shape, or form does being appointed, favored, gifted or otherwise noticed by the lady mean you’re a good person however. Just like in real life, people can be appointed to positions and absolutely, whole heartedly not be qualified. Greed, generalized corruption and more can warp the best of hearts and souls like a vice. It’s a tale older than anyone reading this, and with these concepts in mind I set forth to create a foundational government for the SH cosmology-that of the angelic, the legion of beasts, the church, and the grand performer.

(Less Than) Intelligent Design

It was incredibly important to me that “The Council” not be some sort of monolithic, obfuscated thing. Not a singular identity, but independent heads convening as a whole with conflicting ideals, wants and desires. Simply put, a government at war with itself is way more interesting to read/write/perform about than a dictatorship. “We kill everyone who opposes us” is a child’s supervillain ideation (in fiction. In real life, I can personally confirm it’s horrifically terrifying). 

Plus, it gave an opportunity for some of the biggest power-players in the narrative to change. Characters would have the opportunity to be elected to a seat, usurp it through violence and more. This dynamic, though it hasn’t changed a whole lot, means there’s risk associated with everything in SH from the top down. If a voice speaks to you in the dark, are you sure it isn’t some kind of trick or boon from a council member?

I chose four different seats based on the four cardinal directions:

 “Up/North” was the domain of ‘Heaven’, and the Angelic-a horrifying, multi-eyed birdlike(?) people with a propensity for righteousness, purifying burning light and strength. Their numbers are very limited, and rumor has it just seeing one can make you go mad. Most angels have a domain or calling they occupy, such as “the Angel of War”, “the Angel of Mercy” and “the Angel of the DMV Line”. As of this writing, very few mortal souls have ascended to heaven, and even fewer became angels. In the entire history of Splathouse, only one canonical angel has appeared-Lord Micheal, Angel of War, with their wings a whirling storm of bullets, blades and gunsmoke. The gates to this realm are currently closed, and nobody knows why…

 “Down/South ” was the domain of Hell, and populated by the Nephilim, a multicultural group of cloven hoofed, horned people who asexually reproduced by plunging the souls of mortals taken there into their massive brood pits. There’s 666 different lineages of demons in hell, with the most well known for our audience being the Infernalus, marked by their red or blue hair, shaggy legs, sapphire skin and kind demeanors. Given the circumstances of “rebirth” in hell, a large number of mortals find their way here to begin another life when they die. In particular, the Infernalus are well known for aiding the trans community.  Currently, Hell is being led by Lord Asmodeus Infernalus, heir apparent to the Legion of Beasts and assumed patriarch of the Infernalus clan.

“West/Left ” was The Church, a theocratic organization devoted to study of The Lady and her teachings. As a mortal-ran group, this unfortunately means getting quite a lot lost in translation from Her original intent. While several multiverses feature The Church as an altruistic and morally “good” organization, this isn’t a universal constant. In our universe in particular, this culminated into The Church Of The Infinite Grin, a collective and maddening hivemind that inspires its members with euphoric mania that often leads to violence. The Lady’s teachings of love and boundless empathy was something TCOTIG thought should be spread at the end of a knife and with fear. After all, the entire world needed to learn to smile. 

The Church was formally run by Primarch, an insane octogenarian with the powers of precognition, divination and a propensity for slipping mind-controlling slugs in the ears of anyone that would listen. Hilariously, the one thing he didn’t see coming was Jack slipping The Vorpal Blade right through his heart. Given the by-laws of TCOTIG (“Whoever kills the leader becomes the leader”), the current head of the Church is…well, Jack. Jack however thought that would be super lame, and has encouraged its members to “go out into the real world, get to know people, be nice to each other”. The last known gathering of members was for Jack’s carnival in Heavenfall. They haven’t been heard from since, and are considered disbanded in our reality. 

And at last, we have “The Sorceress” or “The Grand Performer” to the “east/right”. This seat fills a dual role depending on the needs of a particular universe. Sometimes the world needs magic in a metaphysical/spiritual sense, or needs that magic to be a spectacle. In either case? The sorceress/TGP tends to be the voice of the common denizens of earth, and often is some sort of folk hero. Sometimes, in the case of twins or loving long term partners, the seat is offered to both parties.

This is also the only council seat to require a unanimous vote from all other active chairs before it’s offered to a potential suitor. That suitor can reject it of course, but usually accepts. While absolutely any talented magician has the potential to take the seat, it’s not uncommon for certain high magic families to be carefully considered or be kept under watch by the council for a suitable candidate. 

With regards to our story, The LaCroix family was one such group. Merle LaCroix, Jack’s father and mentor, had a propensity for magic he kept hidden until they met each other again in Limbo briefly. While it was strong enough to wield the Vorpal Blade, it wasn’t enough to fill the seat. That wouldn’t occur until Jack himself displayed his talent at the age of twelve for bending reality. The Council (Then led by Primarch and Baphomet as the only active seats) decided to keep a close eye on the boy, with Baphomet later offering Jack the seat in person. Jack refused-at first, then later took the seat when pressed. 

As the current chair member, Jack has eschewed all responsibilities to his seat and had the audacity to get into a fight with another chair member. Can you believe he sent them both hurtling through the void? Gods, what an idiot! 

However,

He wasn’t the first person to take that seat in our story.

Crowmother, Daughter of Odin, And Other Names…

Yaga is perhaps the most intriguing villain in SH lore, and also was a former council member. Her shift from that to her other names and titles was the result of a chaotic life and creative process. 

Before there was a council, before I dared to bring The Lady into my fiction, there was Yaga. Inspired by the myth of Baba Yaga and classical crones, Yaga lived within a dense forest in a chicken-footed hut. She would lure people there with her incredible beauty-then pin them down with her prehensile hair and rip out their hearts. Which she would eat. Because hey, metaphors about obsessive lovers or something. 

Yaga’s original lore served a solitary purpose: To give Jack an adversary, and perhaps one that the audience would lust after. I know how much you all enjoy powerful women. Then the audio work took off, and Yaga took a back seat in my brain for a long time. As the boys finally left that recording room, Yaga came hurtling back to the forefront of my head. She was my first Big Bad Evil Villain after all, and hey! I could do fem voices now! Why not bring her back, right? 

However, just having some evil witch show up, targeting Jack felt kinda silly and lame. I was also afraid at the time that without a solid motive and reason for what she did, Yaga would appear to be a sexist portrayal of a trope. The Big, Evil Woman is coming to take our (male) hero down, oh no!  I sat back, and really turned over what I wanted Yaga to be and represent before bringing her back. 

As The Council had just been introduced, I decided to seize the opportunity by making her formerly a part of it. Doing so would give the Council legitimacy in-universe while also giving Yaga herself something she lacked from the onset-a verifiable, real reason to be angry, to be evil. There were elements of her character I wanted to keep-her affinity for crows, the fact she ripped out and ate hearts. But why did she do these things, and more importantly-to whom?

The lore (and current canon) I came up with was this: 

Yaga was formerly known as The Sorceress, answering to the title only. A nature witch, she was revered by people all over the world for feeding them and ensuring their crops were bountiful. Electing her to the council was a natural choice carried out at the direct wish of The Lady. Soon after joining the Council, Yaga would befriend one of the original Grand Performers-a fellow who wore a smiling mask, an enormous top hat and a long tailed black coat. She didn’t know his name, his true one. But neither did he. 

That didn’t stop them from falling in love. Not even a little bit. In time, the names didn’t matter as much as their work, their deeds-and their boundless, endless love for each other. The Lady approved their union, and soon the two were never seen without the other. The Performer would always ensure The Sorceress had a grand entrance (sure to trounce even his own), and Yaga would always surround her husband’s lapels in vibrant wildflowers. She brought color to his life, and he joy to hers. 

What a shame the smiles they bore were wholly their own. This angered Primarch, who couldn’t fathom a world where joy sprang from WITHIN ourselves instead of his holy seat. As Baphomet was distracted with some silly thing the humans called The Crusades, Primarch decided to seize an opportunity to send a message to The Sorceress. He crept towards her home while she was away, slew her husband and burned her house and field of flowers. Upon her return, Yaga saw the face of her husband carved into a hideous grin. She held him, even as the fires raged and the world they built together burned.

It’s said that the wildfire chucked enough ash into the sky to paint the entire world over in a dark, gray pallor. Gone was the birdsong, the bountiful harvests, and the verdant green. In their place came the carrion eaters, the scavengers-the swarming, endless murders of Crows. It was a puzzlement to people who had formally dwelt in such a beautiful, colorful place-even more so to Primarch himself. He knew there would be fallout-but nothing quite like this…

How could any of them know, though? How could a single one of them know that their beloved Sorceress learned her craft in another world, under a different name and guise entirely? How could they even begin to guess that the being who now held such a seat of power was none other than a child of a death god?

Long before she held the title that replaced her name, Yaga had another-Crowmother, daughter of Odin, successor to the throne of Asgard in the event her father ever truly, actually died. A title she seized once more as she vowed to rend the hearts of all that opposed her, just as she herself had experienced. 

Her vengeance engulfed entire worlds and rendered them to ash. In her rage though, she began to notice odd synchronicities-there was always a council, always those same seats. What’s more, someone that always reminded her of the crooked smile of her beloved.

But they never were him. Just a pale imitation, a ghost that was repulsed utterly by her. Their hats weren’t right, their masks horrific instead of joyful. That is, until she came to our particular section of reality.

The rest is pretty well known to most of you now-instead of fighting her, Jack heard Yaga out. He sought vengeance on her behalf towards Primarch, upending the council and angering Baphomet. Yaga was utterly befuddled by this, as it was the first time anyone tried for her since her husband. Yaga would return to Asgard, not to be seen or heard from again until The Jarl And The Thief.

So why do I mention any of this? It’s important, I swear. Yeah, I know this entry is getting long, but I promise we’re almost done…

Titles matter. They always have been, ever since the first upload. They can indicate everything from moral alignment to a profession to a talent-and it’s common for beings with titles to hold council seats. Jack himself held the title of “the Warlock” long before he became a council member in any way (or, what’s more, a vessel for a god in the sense we traditionally think about warlocks from DnD and such). Odin’s introduction was via his names (“the spear shaker”, etc) before he ever mentioned his name. If a character gets a title, however informal, it carries weight, significance and magic of its own. The logical reason for this is simple-it’s easier for an audience to remember a character if a nickname reflects what they do in the narrative. The creative and canon choice for this is that titles inspire a sense of belief in a being, an association and connotation with their abilities that wasn’t there before. 

If anyone gets a title in an audio or narrative, pay attention. It’s going to matter later, even if it seems insignificant. Beedleboop, the grand master of the breeding pits in hell and Asmodeus uncle, is the entire reason the Infernalus bloodline experienced a revival at all. Asmodeus asked him because nobody else had the kind of mastery necessary to aid so many souls. 

When Yaga was The Sorceress, she was a champion of people like me and you. When she was Crowmother, she was the scourge of all, a sure sign death was near. And now…

Well.

I suppose we’ll see just what she goes by now at some point, won’t we?

Empty Seats, And Filling Them

So!

The Council, which originally played a pretty big part in our story, is mostly non-existent now. Baphomet was revealed to be Micheal in hiding, and his whereabouts are unknown. Primarch is dead. Yaga is currently chilling in a hut in Asgard. Jack just got home, and oh god, there’s this alternative being popping up.

Where does that leave our council? 

Wholly empty, their seats gathering dust. 

As the creator, I can’t firmly say the Council won’t reform at some point. Perhaps with way, way better people. Nicer folks at least. From a narrative standpoint, I would like reintroducing such a thing would be a negative sign-something has gone horribly wrong, and these powerful, conflicting bodies decided to unite to stop it. Heavenfall already showed such a thing wasn’t necessary. Given that Jack has started a new magical awakening in our universe though, it’s hard to say if a few people with “bright ideas” won’t emerge to claim those titles once more…

And that’s all you’re getting for now 😉

Have a good one folks. 

Next time, we’ll probably either talk about the concept of multiverses in our cosmology, or a random neat thing like The Vorpal blade. I’d also like to talk about how and why the SCP organization has shown up in my fiction at all. But! We’ll go where the spirit leads us, meaning hey leave a comment down below. 

-j